Thursday, December 23, 2010

My Christmas Wish

All I want for Christmas is a magnifying mirror a magnifying mirror a magnifying mirror....

Really that is all I want...
That's all I need.

Well and an eye lift. Yep just a magnifying mirror and an eye lift...THAT's it, that's all I need....

Well and a tummy tuck. Ok, just a magnifying mirror, an eye lift and a tummy tuck...that's it....I am GOOD...REALLY!!

Well, ok and a boob job..So JUST an magnifying mirror, an eye lift, a tummy tuck and a boob job....PERFECT...Thanks...

Oh.....wait....a little lipo too....soooooo....

Oh Crap nevermind!!

Merry Chr...Oppsss Happy Holidays!!!

Thursday, December 9, 2010


This old vessel has betrayed me a number of times.

Like when for NO reason, one of my ovaries ruptured, causing internal bleeding and subsequent emergency surgery.

Or when my feet go numb during my work outs. And my hips and knees kinda complain lately when kickboxing...hmm?? Too old?? NOT!!!

Or when I got the Shingle Bells from stress....which didn't help the stress BTW.

BUT never ever my SKIN.

I have always had really great skin...which I thank my MOM for.

Never had breakouts.

Never had rashes.

Although my face is falling down down down, I have few wrinkles.

It always has been my ally.

NOT anymore.

It has decided to get rash-ie and my scalp is on fire. SO I do what normal people do and I go see the Dermo.

OK, I have some diagnosis. Something that is brought on from STRESS. (Theme??) I am armed with several prescriptions. Specials shampoo, cream, lotion and soap. FINE.... I will get them.

Go to Costco (LOVE Costco). Hand the Pharm Tech the FOUR Rx's and she says.."These are fairly expensive, even with insurance."

"Ok how much?" Cause I can't let my skin just fall off.

Honest to GOD;





With insurance!!!!!

Oh and the OTC crap I was supposed to get was around $25.oo!!!!

WHOA!!!! Never mind.

Of course Sis Extraordinaire is already on the case. She learns that condition is caused from stress and lack of sun. Really? I live in SoCal. How is this possible??

HA, no vacation this or last year. That's how.

After careful consideration, I decided that instead of spending nearly $1k on crap, I am gonna go on a vacation. alone or only with the Hub and lay around in the sun...

I think this will be money BETTER spent.

Well, when I get the money, that is!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

From Dark Cloud to BLACK Friday

Oh God the day after Thanksgiving is known as Black Friday for a REASON!!!

I think it has had other definitions over the years...something to do with some war maybe, before it was the definition for the day after T-day when the entire retail market is on sale and everything opens in the middle of the night. Seriously, they are opening earlier and earlier and now stores are trying to be the first open. NUTS!! Next year they will probably open at......???? The day after Easter?

So as is typical here in mi casa; Gobble (Turkish son) is going off with the exchange student group; Adorable is gonna sleep like a new teenager and Bio....well crap, she decides that the sales are worth the craziness. She and her BFF were gonna leave at the crack, but 10:30 got outta here.

She can't just go to our local mall...NO she has to go the huge one farther away. Whatever, I am not there, I don't care. Hub and I are gonna hang out, maybe get a taco ($1.00 only) and ya know not sure..just laze about. Not Black Friday here.

At about 11:15 Bio calls me and she is WAY upset. Her voice is shaking and she is saying "mom" way too many times. OMG, now F---ing what? Breathe Blogopause..just breathe...

"What Honey, what happened, what's the matter?" I am gonna puke!!!
"..and then ...well Chloe was RIGHT there and I said I was holding it..and she said..."
"Whoa, Sweet Precious Darling daughter (hee hee) calm down and tell me what happened."
"Ok ok ok...we were driving in the parking lot when we ..."

It took way too long to get out in Bio-speak, so nutshell (like I ever nutshell anything):
They saw a parking spot. Bio jumped out and stood in the spot to hold it. Her BFF was just about there when this Mini Cooper starts entering the spot. Bio said "I am holding it and my friend is right behind you." The Mini had a foul mouth and yelled at Bio that it was not a not nice way.

Bio held her ground LITERALLY and Mini drove into her...REALLY. It just tapped her but still. Bio backed up and Mini hit her again...REALLY..


"Oh my God are you ok are you HURT????" I am holding my breath waiting. She is calling me and she is talking, so..

"I'm ok, well my knees hurt a little but I am ok."

Oh NO, here comes the Mama Tiger. Can't stop it from happening, but it scares me.

"Dad and I are on our way. We will call you when we get close"

The hub says, "We can't just hang out in the parking lot til the girl (criminal) comes out."

zoom zoom zoom kinda

WHO THE HELL hits a kid, right or anyone??? Maybe she shouldn't have been holding the spot, but AYKM???? Stupid Mini just messed with the wrong chick. Look out cause I am coming and I am really STEAMED!!

Get there, find the Mini, Bio comes out and the parade of Cops on Unique Modes of Transportation began.

Two pretend cops come by on HORSEBACK wearing Santa hats...really (I found it kinda festive). Tell them the story and they radio for the real cop.

Real cop arrives on a SEGWAY "mall cop" . Really, it had a cop lights on it and they were flashing. I had to squelch my giggle, cause this is serious stuff.

Mall cop is talking on a headset and I look up and he is talking to the pilot of the HELICOPTER that is circling above. REALLY!!
When we tell mall cop the situation, he says that there is really nothing we can do, but take her license plate number and file a report. Do we want to do that??? HELL YES we do.

BUT wait...

Criminal comes out with her MOM not the same person that was with her when she nearly killed my daughter.

SO now the plot thickens. Since we have the perp, we can file a charge against HER now.

I hear people talking on radios and I look around and five more cops arrived for the party on BICYCLES... Yeah pedal pedal spin bikes. But they have guns. SO we're gonna be safe.

In the meantime Bio is now shaking cause seeing the criminal scared her. At the first sight of her after Bio ID'ed (cop lingo) her, I wanted to jump her and beat the living hell outta her. But since I don't believe in violence, I couldn't do that. But the Hub could..No not to a girl. Bitch!!

Criminal at first looked at us and said "I am really sorry. I told her (MY KID) I was sorry."
REALLY??? Sorry is what you say when you intentionally hit them with your car?? Never knew the proper response when you try to kill someone. Thanks for the tip. But we don't actually engage in a discussion with the perp.

Not sure what was going on but a LOT of talking among the million cops. And of course they questioned Bio and her BFF. They also questioned the murderous loon. More talk talk talk.

Three cop CARS arrive on the scene with two officers per vehicle. Wow, over-kill. But I have to say seeing the normal mode of transportation for coppers was a little comforting.

So now we are up to...????

TWELVE police people...YES 12!!!

But wait...
They can't decide whether they can arrest her cause they are not sure they can prove INTENT....WHAT the hell?? She saw my kid and hit her TWICE.

But, did she INTEND to hit her??? Who fricken gives a crap? She DID!!!

OK these people, all 12 of them can't decide. SO,

The Captain arrives in an UN-MARKER muscle car with another under-cover dude. This is getting so juicy. But Bio is really shaken and she really just wants to shop. NO WAY. We need to see that justice prevails.

More talk talk talk....An hour later. They decide they can't prove intent and that it will be a "Traffic" issue. So....

They call the traffic cop. Now that the big decision has been made by the Captain and the traffic dude is on the way (why couldn't the cops at the scene take care of it??? don't know), the parade of cops leaves. Kinda scary now...Just us, the Perp and Mall Cop. He's 'packing' though so we are ok.

Wait wait wait...

Traffic cop arrives.....funny he doesn't look any different than all the other guys...whatever...
HOLD ON...he is flirting with the Perp. NO not ok. Arg...

OK so he decides that he can write a 'traffic report'....just a report. And after he talks with Mall Cop he decides they will also write a 'criminal report'. HUH? I wanted her hauled off in handcuffs. But the criminal report is "Assault with a Deadly Weapon" (ADW, for those in the know) which sounds so scary and that it is kinda cool.

SO after about 2 hours, we have one report and one on the way and we have EVERY ONE'S complete assurance that NOTHING will come of it....More like a guarantee.

Honest to God. I know Bio should not have held the spot or her ground OR gone up against even a MINI, but REALLY...NOTHING?????

Merry Fricken Christmas....OH wait....not PC... Happy Ficken Holidays!!!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010


So 'No Good Deed Goes Unpunished'. I hate this saying, it is so negative. And I never ever knew how that could be true...UNTIL:


Yep the real honest to God "Mangy Dog" mange. It is real and normal, decent (most of the time) dog people's dogs can get it.
OK it is SOOOO true that I am not a great housekeeper and it is also true that we no longer have outside help with the cleaning...BUT MANGE?!?! Isn't that what junkyard dogs get?? Dear God..I am not a PIG.

So we puppy sat this cute, precious Golden baby named Koda at the end of the summer. His parents were going to Mexico (their Cabo house...not jealous) for a month and of course didn't want to take him. They didn't want to board him and their regular house/puppy sitter was unavailable.

Ok, Paraguay was leaving and I thought Koda could help us all transition.

First, puppies while cute as ever..are like BABIES, shit they ARE babies. They need special care. That was ok in the beginning cause I needed the distraction. But that was exactly when Adorable 13 tried to break his head....oh wait he did. ARG!!!! Don't go there...
(Not even sure how the puppy was cared for in my absence but Bio had it covered. HOLD on here, note to self: She can do things on her own. Next try laundry)

Koda came to us itchy itchy itchy. The mom and dad said "he is just always like that. Not to worry it is common in Golden's". Really?? I'd never heard this before. But ok, if you say so.

After Koda (A.K.), Gino Gigantic-or started itching. He is 105 pounds of big dog and when he itches the house shakes. It got so bad, we took him to the vet...THREE times before we got to the bottom of it. They did skin scrapings 3 times (while treating him for something else) and on the third scrape found what they thought were mange mite eggs....OMG...I am moving out!!!

This condition causes extreme itching, the hair falls out (cause the bastards bore down into the hair shaft) and the bald skin gets blackish and knobbly (word?) and they STINK. SO BAD. And you can bathe every second..which we didn't, and it does no good. That is just how it smells til it is gone.
Of course Old Man Pal got it too cause Gigantic-or is such a sharer (word?). So DOUBLE stink.

They needed a series of four shots a week apart and much more bathing with special shampoo.

They are on the mend now, but:

This good deed, cost me 7 vet visits (not an easy task), 10 shots, $20 shampoo, Steroids (for the wrong diagnosis) and a house that stunk (really really, to the point we wouldn't let anyone in it), way more cleaning and laundering than I am used to and a reputation that hopefully won't hit the dog park.

I am not sure when this massive black cloud will blow away, but it better hurry cause I am about outta sanity. hhmmm??? nah

BUT the moral of story is, Mom is always right. She's the one that warned me: "NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED" So don't ask me to do anything for you.

Unless... you will pay me in wine. Then, maybe...

Thursday, October 14, 2010


This has been on my mind for so long I need to get it out. I DON'T understand:
'Black Out Curtains' and 'White Noise'. I just don't.

Other things have been confusing me too. (I wonder if this is why I can't sleep at night??? Better call the Dr. and see if there is a mind clearing drug I can take at night...wait isn't that wine??)

Like, while looking at local job listings I found that the National Guard has loads of job opportunities...which in itself I find confusing. Not sure why, I just do. But what's even more curious(er) are the actual jobs....

"Fire Direction Specialist"...This what I see in my head. Me in a National Guard cutie outfit, out in the hills with glow sticks in my hands---(maybe big headphones on too)---directing the wild fire. You know telling it which way to go, cause ya know I am a Specialist.
"Human Intelligence Collector"...OK really? Too many confusing things here. This job might be harder than it looks. Think about it...Intelligence is hard enough to come by and once you do, you gotta Collect it. Would be a hard group to Collect from...they might out smart me..

They have many positions open in the Health Care industry...they need: Dentists, Family Doctors, OB/GYN's and Optometrists....I don't understand, why do they need their very own Dr's??? Can't they use ours?? I just decided, right now this very minute, that my being confused about this probably means I can't Collect Intelligence...

Not to worry because Petco is hiring 'Pet Stylists'. I am sure I have enough Intelligence to create Canine Coifs. Holy crap, do I have to worry about someone from the 'Guard' Collecting my little remaining Intelligence?? Ohhhh I can feel myself losing sleep already. Maybe they only Collect it from other 'Guard"-ie people. I surely can not sleep until I find out.

IBM has a 'Solution Representative' position available. I can rep anything...for sure I can rep Solutions. Everyone likes Solutions, it'll be cake.
A "Sales Engineer". How exactly do you Engineer a Sale?
A 'Technical Solution Architect' ??? Whoa those three words together?? Never mind I can't!
They start the job postings, "Looking for a smarter career?". Funny, no I am not.

I saw a cute little position at a Seniors Center that looked great. I think it was called like Patient Relations Assistant...(See?? This is why I am confused.) It sounded great, cause I really dig senior citizens. I got to the end of the job description and as I was reaching for a pen to jot the number down I read "toileting" as one of the responsibilities...BREAKS!! I barely loved my own kids enough to "toilet" them. Sorry Seniors!

Ahhhh, I finally found it!!!

Housekeeper/Maid. I understand these words. (My Intelligence is safe.) Wait, though...where would I get a decent reference? Crap guess I keep looking..

Sorrry about the "Nope" post...I hit Publish by mistake.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Blow Out

SO.... Just as things felt like they might be on an upswing, the Hub blew out his other knee. We know this for certain because it is the OTHER knee. Yes, he blew out the left one playing soccer a year and a half ago....But he scored two goals last time. (Our insurance is so suckie that each of those goals cost us $2500.) Since he absolutely knows what it is at least we don't have to wonder and worry. That is the upside. whoo hoo

However, he is barely mobile, super slow and tentative until we surgerize him AGAIN. If he isn't careful, the knee goes completely out and he goes completely DOWN. This happened the other night and scared the crap out of the kids....

Now, I am a very loving nurturing woman. (AM TOO) I don't blame him or get upset about these things. They happen and I will take care of him. As you know I am a hell of a nurse. I feel really badly for him......BUT....

There are some complications. LIKE:

Hub was in his office upstairs. Adorable up in his room and I was in the kitchen. You know cleaning or cooking or some other saintly task (hee hee) and I hear a buzzing. No big deal a fly got in. Soooo. It flies by me. It is NOT a fly it is a bee. I HATE BEES and I am kinda totally petrified of them..a little. So like any normal person, I scream something like "Oh my God get out of my house!" and I think I threw something that made a sorta loud crashing noise.

Oops... all hell kinda broke loose.

Adorable comes racing down and says "What what MOM is Dad ok?"
HUH???? Dad??? Really? NO it is ME!!! "There is a bee in the house and it needs to go."
I swear I get an eye roll, he storms out of the kitchen (mumbling something..) and he leaves me alone with the beast.

A few minutes (full minutes) the Hub comes stumbling out of his office. "What what are you ok?"
At least he asked about ME. "No there is a bee in the kitchen"
He hobbles down the stairs and into the kitchen.

WHAT???? This is serious. Don't judge me.

He looks for a cup...remember we have a strict 'no kill' policy here.
It took a while but he saved us both. The bee went free and I am alive.

I could have died in the time it took him to come rescue me.
And I guess the Hub could have gotten hurt trying to save me from what probably sounded like a home invasion. Oh well..this and the aging PP Pal Dog (That is a whole 'nther Blog) will probably kill me anyway.

Today's Tip: ???Can you add Vodka to wine??? YES you can.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Slippery Slope

Once again I find myself in a state of such confusion that my brain hurts...

I was at Fresh and Easy, my new favorite grocery store, the other morning in my uber small town. This was just post workout so I was soaking wet and maybe a little less than my normal attractive self.

I was checking out and saw a friend coming into the store. I waited for her to come a little closer before I flagged her down. She turned around the corner and looked right at me. She started to look away. She did a double take..then a TRIPLE take. Honest to God can it be that bad???
The short answer to this is, yep...IT CAN!!! Crap!

SO naturally; because I guess you can't see my eyeball since my eyelids are so old and puffy that they can't do anything but hang there; we discuss who will be doing our eyelifts. She has the name of the BEST eyelift guy...blah Beverly Hills.

OMG, am I gonna go to Bev Hills and have my eyes lifted?
Well I guess since this seems to be a fairly common topic when I run into people I haven't seen in a while and my mom's favorite topic whenEVER she sees me...the short answer here is also, YEP...I AM!!! Holy Crap!

I am not sure who I am anymore.
When did all these weird things happen to me? When did I get so old that people I have known for ages don't recognize me? I admit the post workout look probably didn't help, but REALLY. When did I become a person that stands in the grocery store and discusses plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills. Dear God...I think I might be on the other side of the mountain of life...

I want a limo-like sled for this journey fully equipped with a TV, a library and champagne, loads of it.... I am gonna sit back and enjoy the ride. And no matter what the Hub says, my dogs will be allowed on my SLED furniture.

After the EYELIFT!!!

FYI: When the wayward lids affect your vision (like in my extreme case) I think insurance will pay for it. I just need to find a reason for the tummytuck....

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

OH What a Night!!!

So when things are even a little stressful in my life, I have a hard time sleeping. I can usually fall asleep thanks to reading....(man I really need to invent glasses that I can doze off in, cause that breaks the dozing path), but I can't stay asleep.

I have funky dreams that, as previously stated, are sickeningly symbolic.
Like last night, among many others, I had a dream that my brother...Camp Chris (CC) and I were locked in a room and each given an iPod-lighter thingy and a gun ..{Sibling spat} We were being forced into a challenge {watched Bachelor Pad} to make the iPod-ter thingy into..I don't even know, but somehow we had to adapt it and that would make the gun work and we had to shoot the other one. And if we didn't do it, 'they' {this is a critical piece of unsolved symbolism} would kill us both. (Yeah, I probably need some help!!)

CC went into this whole heartedly. REALLY!! He quickly went to work as McGuyver {Adorable's fave show} and had his gun ready to shoot ME in like two seconds. I was busy trying to figure out how to get us BOTH out alive {DUH, I am a saint}....Like ok, we can shoot at the wall at the same time and maybe 'they" won't know.....Maybe we could shoot at each others legs, so we could live through this. I look up and CC is loaded and aimed at my chest!!!! I GIVE!!! Go for it! But I'm SO TELLING MOM on you!!!

When these dreams happen I wake myself up, because even though I am creating them, I CAN'T take them.
So, once awake, if I have had any more than two hours of sleep....I AM UP!!

Hub, bless his sound asleep..NOT SOUNDLESSLY sleeping mind you.
GOD, he is way too loud right now!! I try try try to go back to sleep, but too scared and TOO LOUD.

I need to read or something. The hub did install these really cool lights above our bed so we could each have our own reading lights. Nice huh? BUT whenever I turn mine on he wakes up...not so useful.

So I grab my glasses (ARG!!) and my book and head downstairs. Get as comfy as I can on the couch put on the torture glasses and read. WHY am I reading a scary book? (I totally need help)

Read read just about to doze off and my old dog PP Pal (DK) audibly breaks wind. When this happens least there was warning..we all hit the deck. It is so unpleasant that it defies description. SO I cover under the covers and wait for the storm to pass.

After about a year or so, I need to start the process all over. Get comfy and read read read...About to doze again. Remove the glasses and settle in.

AHHhhhh lovely. I am comfy and about to go to hopefully a nicer dreamland...
At the very moment that feels so lovely....
My HUGE sweet dog Gino starts SNORING louder than I have ever heard anything snore in my life..And trust me that is loud. THIS dog has NEVER snored in his LIFE.. TEN years nary a peep.

AND NOW after my brother tried to kill me...the hub stole my PP Pal tried to suffocate me.....GINO betrayed me...

Et tu Gino????

Really tired...

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Not for Me...

The market has really had an impact on my botox and our vacationing. Last summer we didn't plan a real vacation... We can enjoy the back yard, swim, have picnics.... YES, I did believe that crap I fed myself!! But as anyone else would have predicted mid-way through summer I was gonna kill someone and we needed to get outta Dodge.

My brother had this super cute, tiny, high tech RVette. (past tense; we have since totalled it, really..) We borrow it, load up and off we went. No reservations, but whatever... Yeah and wait it was a holiday weekend. Sure it'll be fun...

The first night we went to this place that could take us...we pulled in and "hooked up" at night. Even in the dark...and I mean BLACK dark, we could tell it was a dumpy scary place. There were only a few other campers and of course they were right next to us in a tent. (WHY would anyone do that on purpose?) They were definitely criminals on the lamb. Not to worry we have Pal ("baby love"), the killer dog.

When we see the light of day...holy crap!!! This place was just a dust bowl. Honestly there was nothing here but dirt and dust...NOTHING, except the escapees. I pretend to make the best of it while we "cook" breakfast on a fire pit. Evidently, this is part of the fun. huh??? I tried to enjoy it, but ewww, where's a Starbucks?

As soon as I can, without "ruining everything", {"Maaammm, why do you ALWAYS do this? Do what precious? You never let us have ANY FUN!!.......Oh so sorry sweeties, just trying to keep you alive...} I suggest that we get the hell outta there. Not a moment too soon, cause I could tell the ax murderers were ready to poison the dogs, kill us and steal my kids.....Un hook and blast. pphehewww. Drop the kids to play at the beach....while we search for a safe place to sleep for the night.

After calling every "camp site" within 1700 miles we learn that the holiday weekends are booked a year in advance... HUH?? We are outta luck. Crap, we are soo stupid. So we pull into this place that looks ok and find they have an "over-flow" space available. Better than the dust bowl with the serial killers, cool, we take it. Over flow doesn't have "hook ups", but evidently the people who are in the regular spots (the people that plan to come HERE...a year out) have outside power. So we got a huge extension cord and jacked some power from our neighbor dude. We get the kids and bring them back to show them their new home. All things being relative, they dig it...

Walking back and forth to the RV store (what else do you do here?), I saw everything from tents (why why why?) to these huge double wide 700 ft "rigs" (RV lingo). Hmmm, almost interesting Then eeewwww kids, half clothed running around so dirty...wait, this is the Ghetto. True our lives weren't currently in danger,
but these people share pottys..gross
They share showers..(not like the health club sharing, either)..gross
There is dirt everywhere, including under my finger nails...SUPER GROSS..I really hate it here!!

But after a few trips back and forth (these trips included some bomb soft serve ice cream..yum) it started to intrigue me. Some of these campers have their little area all cutesy and cozy. They have lights strung up, designer rugs, matching lawn furniture, fancy bbq's. Wow their areas were even clean. hhmmmm, interesting.

On about the fourth trip I started getting jealous of those big, cool, new, fancy rigs. I wanna be their friend...Yeah, I could see it, we could buy one of those mobile mansions and get all the stuff...and hang with these people. We could get out our calendars together and plan out the next 8 fun.

So that night after cooking dinner, outside cause we don't have a kitchen in our dump..yet...we settle in, the kids watch a move... (Our little dump is actually quite hi-tech) and I am planning out the color scheme of our new RIG (no browns, too typical..that is what all my new friends have..don't want to copy....but don't want to be too different either, they might not like me anymore). I am mentally re-arranging my new new lawn furniture...OMG it is gonna be fantastic....when


Our power goes out...crap!! Did the criminals from the dust bowl find us..did we break some RV law???? What?

Hub bravely goes outside to see what is up....and finds that neighbor dude un-hooked our jacked power to plug in his 60 inch flat screen..seriously... watch a sporting event......REALLY???? This is so messed up on every level that my head explodes... WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE HERE in these stupid metal tubes on wheels, letting their kids run around naked with dirt under their nails??? EEWWW!!! GO HOME!!

For sure...


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

The Settling of the Dust

Well the dust is settling down around here. It does seem to be landing on my furniture more than usual. Maybe because I am not dusting (no exertion..Dr.'s orders... and dusting really takes it out of me.) Or maybe because there was just MORE dust. Who knows? Too much for me to ponder.

So the S--- on a Shingle disease seems to be subsiding..I think. How could it not? I am taking FIVE humongo Antiviral pills a day for SEVEN days. I should never ever ever get another virus in my life, right? Not sure how they work, but if they got all viruses there would be no more colds, etc.. But how can they work on this nasty virus that lays in wait in the dark recesses of my body, only to jump out and attack me when I am compromised??

Not like that!! When my immune system is tired. Talk about kicking an immune system when it's down. Don't have my MD yet so again, too much for me to ponder.

Naturally though on like day two of nasty stupid disease and no exertion orders....Bio gets sick. At first she is just kinda not feeling well. Not buying it...and I can't believe she could be so selfish. She was with me at the Dr. and heard that I have an actual condition....Then she gets the fever kinda sick. SHIT...There go all my plans for rest, rest , rest. She needs me to take care of her..YES she does!!

Thank God it only lasted about 48 hours. I am surprised it wasn't Mono, cause she is never one to be outdone, ya know. I think the quick recovery had to do with the fact that she is in LOVE and has to spend every fricken waking moment with her boo. VOMIT. They baby talk to each other!!! TOTAL PUKE VOMIT!!

Hub and I tell them all the time that it is so much more than annoying and that someday someone is gonna just projectile on them. They don't listen. This is a lesson they will need to learn o their own. I hope I am a distance, cause ewww. And we can't say "Get a room" cause this is our minor daughter. ARG..whatever!!

Adorable went for his re-check at Children's Hospital LA ( I resigned btw). They did the neuro check, chatted with us and sent us on our merry way. He still has two weeks until he can resume any activities where he could hit his head...which is according to my calculations, like anything. But he can swim and exercise and run (I can see injury here) if he wants. HERE is the big problem...that is NOT what he wants.

He wants to do double back flips on the trampoline. He wants to go "Bomb" the hill on his "long board". He wants to take up Motocross...?? What is that?? He wants do anything where re-injury is imminent. WHY? WHY? WHY?

When he announces these desires, I start the lecture while trying not to hyperventilate. The Hub, however, just smirks with what I think is pride on his face. REALLY???? I am not a boy so I don't get this at all. TOOO much to ponder!!!

All I do know is that, my body can't Shingle it anymore thanks to the massive crap I have been swallowing. BUT it can still attack. It is clever. It is letting the stress go elsewhere. My scalp is flaking off, my body has a rash everywhere...and,yes it was confirmed to be unrelated to Shingle Bells. And that's not all. This old bod is busy doing other torturous things to me, but the visual is already overwhelming, even me.

WHERE is THAT diet wine???

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Stress on a Shingle

Blog blog blog....
So, as Adorable heals to the point of becoming a pain in my tush....he can't really do much so of course he is a pain...I discover what I thought was a bug bite on my side.
Whoa it hurt. Had the Hub check it out. Yep a bite. Later it started to feel like a bruise around it. Oh GOD, I got bitten by the Flesh Eating spider....Naturally!!! What else would I get attacked by????
That night while the Hub was watching TV in the ex-cave room, he discovered the culprit. The nasty spider crawled up the arm of the chair and taunted the him. We have a strict 'No-Kill' policy here, but I guess we needed him in the event I might need an anti-venom...ya know, the "team" would need to know the exact arachnid that bit me. So it died and got bagged.
So sorry.
The next day I wake up and the pain sorta spread out. Hhhmmm? I thought the venom was just spreading out. But since I wasn't missing any flesh, I was relieved and went about my business. By that night it felt like my whole side had been whacked by an oar. So my Moms, told me I HAD to go see the Dr. in the morning STAT...(this is now MY word, well it isn't a word it is an..??? Bio????).
Yeah yeah, whatever.
In the a.m. I go. Show the Dr..
"Have you had a lot of stress lately?"
"Yes." I want to laugh, cause I way prefer it....but I get teary...ok I cry a little.
I tell a little glimpse of the Adorable hell and stop midway cause I am gonna really really cry if I go on.
"WTF"...Ok that is not really what I said.
"You need to take an Anti-viral (thing) five times a day and take it easy. Rest."
Cool, I like that.
Wait a second...
"Can I work out?"
"Work out, like exercise?"
I am thinking...don't play dumb with me...I have seen you at the gym....remember?? Three days before I came to see you for throwing my back out..AT THE GYM....
"Oh no! No exertion."
Really?? Really really??
The one fricken thing I want to do?? WANT to do, I can't???
Ok fine, then this is how this will go down:
I will not clean (as if), grocery shop do laundry or make meals. I will not taxi the kids around or supervise anything.
I will go to and from work.
I will lay around and read and sleep.
I will take bathes and lay around and read and sleep.
YEP, that is what I will do.
Who the hell am I kidding??
Poor Spider....

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Drama take TWO.
Adorable came home from Children's and went directly into the cave room. Which is where he stayed while I showered...long, hot, heavenly shower. Put on the most ridiculous jammie pants in the world (pink with "Hello my name is High Maintenance" all over them...really...this turns into the don't wear dirty undies lesson). And then I blogged STAT. Ahhhh, peace. My Adorable is home, no one will wake him and I am clean.

Somewhere around home 15 hours, Adorable wakes sweaty and uncomfortable. He wishes to shower. Ok, he did it in the hospital once, he'll be ok. Get him in and decide to change the sheets to make it more comfy. The shower turns off and I go in (without looking...dear God not allowed!!) and ask him if he is ok...SHIT...he goes down. The STUEY monster fainted and knocked his HEAD on the shower door. OMG! AYKM???

I scream for the hub. He comes into the bathroom white as sheet (poor guy...he really got the crap end of all this) and tries to get him out of there. Starts to pick him up....he is conscious now. But like a slippery baby Adorable passes out again in Hubs arms. We get him to the bed and I call 911. AYKM???

Fire department boys come and they are so fricken awesome. They are quick, professional, gentle and cute. I love them. I am gonna bake for them.

Then the transport team arrives and we are off to Children's. Spoke to my angels on the phone and they both agreed to getting him some fluids and checking him out. OK whatever we need to do. Get in the ambulance and realize what I am wearing. OMG...I am NOT kidding right now...I seriously look like a mental patient.

We go through the ambulance bay date the only way I had entered this glorious new home. And we are in ER for a million hours. They are going to admit us, they just have to find a bed...Really do they lose them? Cause it takes really really long to find them.

While in the ER they order another Cat Scan...and give him MORE morphine. Dear God, he is only 13.

We go for the Scan. As he is being pulled out, he tells me his stomach hurts really bad. I think it is the bite of McFlurry he ate. NO, not that. He sits up and I see a little rash on his tummy. He tells me he is feeling weird and that his hands and feet are tingling. I look at his hands and they are seizing up. Same with his feet. OMG what is happening to him???

This scares the crap out of him and US. We get rushed back to the ER. Racing down the hall with the gurney and IV pole. The tech throws his ID badge at me to open the upcoming door. Running running.....OMG, AYKM??? (I wanna puke)

Turns out it was just a reaction to the morphine...but because the clever boy scared the entire ER, the scan results were read STAT...that is when STAT works for you.

The precious brain is fine and once they locate a rogue bed, we will get admitted. They found I think right where they left it. Forgetful?

Two more days living at Children's until the love boy could really eat before going home.
I liked my temporary home ok, but ahhhh coming home home...SWEET...(I cried)

He is improving now and has had some pain free days...followed by some more pain. But overall improving and we know his brain is fine (or gonna be).

The school called yesterday and said he has missed too much so he shouldn't come back to summer school...

Hmmmm? Is he that clever??????

I have to say that other than how silly I looked roaming the halls of the hospital in my pysch-ward outfit...there was nothing fun or funny about this...

Friday, July 2, 2010


Whoa!!! In my last blog I wrote that I need diet wine "STAT".. I don't know exactly what STAT stands for but I do know what it means. And WOW I got to hear it at Children's Hospital LA regarding Adorable 13's brain scan. When you hear "I want a third CScan on him STAT" about your son, you might as well throw up right there. You are in the hospital after all. They are used to cleaning up vomit. Really though, so NOT funny.

Adorable 13, in his continuing effort to kill me (Stuey), took a massive tumble on his skateboard. This on the day Paraguay was leaving us. A day I was trying to prepare myself for...unsuccessfully. AFS, the exchange student group tells you to make plans for your family for the day of and a few days after your student a distraction... so you won't be so upset. Well I guess since I didn't make specific plans for us post Paraguay departure...Adorable 13 decided he would take care of that.

Paraguay's last day:
First thing in the morning, we rushed to the mall to exchange an item and pick up one last USA gift. Back home to pick up Bio. Drop the girls off for their last "mani/pedi", then rush home to shower. The plan at this point was to pick up the girls, bring them home, load up Paraguay, go out to a lovely lunch then drop her off with a tearful goodbye.

Things did not go as planned. I get out of the shower and am applying the million lotions that are NOT slowing the aging process and I hear Hub call to me and ask me to come downstairs...He called me by name. I never hear my name..clue number one. I tell him I am not dressed and he said "that doesn't matter, please come down here now"..I KNEW ...I start downstairs asking him to tell me...PLEASE what is it??
"Alex (aka Adorable naughty boy) fell on his skateboard."

In the family room Adorable is laying on the couch, his head in Hub's lap. He is crying and strange looking. I look at Hub's as he calmly tells me that he is going into shock and that it is bad....I am the Dr. in this house, but when things are huge, hub knows....
Ok ER. I run upstairs throw on clothes...I hear myself whispering "Oh no oh no oh God..."
We get Adorable up to walk him to the car and he is shaking and babbling.
I need to stay and get Paraguay off. She is travelling with a huge group and there is no changing that.
They go to the ER. I go to the get the girls. Bio knows by looking at me. We rush home, get poor Paraguay together and all (I mean ALL) of her stuff in my car.
Off to the ER. Walking up, I see Hub's car sort of parked at the the door...not in a space. Oh GOD....
Get inside and the check in lady says something about being the mom and tells me to wait there. She motions to another ER employee and they walk off in a huddle. WTF???? That is my baby.....
Get in there and find a team of people around my baby on the bed with Hub's hands holding him. They start talking and the Hub is looking at me in a way I will never forget. He is the bravest man I know and he was so visibly scared, my whole body started shaking. I heard words like"if he recovers" and more, but that is enough.

Adorable had been majorly drugged to calm him for the CScan, but now they needed to wake him for a neuro exam. Hub told me I didn't want to be in there when they did. He told me he was not good. That is when Mommy Tiger kicked back in and I was in it. Look out, and from that moment on I never left him.

It was so horrible. We were being transported to Children's....the best kid hospital in the city, after the second CScan, to make sure he was stable for transport. STABLE???? At one point we were to be heliported....OMG!!! But that would have been a cool thing for Adorable to tell his friends while giving the Helmet Safety talk (which he WILL be doing).

We were in that ER for 12 plus hours and in that time Adorable woke a few times and each time his speech and memory improved a little. At this point Hub told me he was going to be fine. It was not to make me feel better (everyman for himself right now..and really no judgement here), but he meant it and he knew it. I always believe him, so I knew he would be ok. And when Adorable spoke to me, I knew Hub was right on.

Bio (rock that she is) was so scared. Paraguay had to leave us from the ER... our big Goodbye. She left in tears not knowing what would become of Adorable 13.

Eventually we made it to Children's...via ambulance (anti-climatic) and were admitted to the PICU (Pediatric ICU, you know what that is) and holy was just like TV shows. Amazing and Awful....

When there was a calm moment we learned that Adorable had two significant bruises on the front of his brain, some bleeding on the back of his brain and a slight skull fracture...ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? NO.

The story continues for four more world changing days. He did not improve enough on day two/three (not sure) so the head of Neurosurgery orders the third CSacn STAT... REALLY STAT? Why? Why? Why? What is wrong? He was not getting better and he was gray-ish. But my mommy instinct told me and so did Hub that he was gonna be fine. But STAT???? This is when I got really scared.

I didn't know how scared until my Angel (Karen our Dr.) told me the results were great and that he WOULD NOT get worse. He would just take a while to get well......OK tears then....
I am the biggest cry baby in the world, but never in the midst of the crisis. But the minute that there is a slight reprieve, flood.

We are home now, thank God for Adorable and the hospital staff... I think I should probably send an apology card to that lovely housekeeping woman that tried to empty our trash while Adorable was sleeping....really sorry, but he needed sleep and I am a mamma bear, mamma tiger.... or any scary animal.
And probably to that nurse that took five minutes to get the morphine..yeah sorry..
And to the tech that tried to take his blood pressure when he was starting to doze...
And to the entire floor when his IV machine went off....
OK EVERYONE......SORRY. GOD I am sorry already.
(But seriously a great hospital...really)

The poor baby has eaten next to nothing in five days. He has been out of bed only a few times and has had a non-stop head ache. He will improve more quickly now in his 'cave room' in the "Quiet house" (says so on the front door). Although, we still have a really long way to go...

I do miss Paraguay, but clever Adorable really really gave us the ULTIMATE distraction. hhmmm??? Will he expect a 'thank you'? NOT GETTING ONE!!!

P.S. Adorable will be grounded for life for this...ha,yeah right..
And I am now running the Children's Hospital LA....just until real estate picks up.
P.P.S. I am singing; "When you sleep, I sleep..just like that"---get J.V.?

Friday, June 18, 2010

Please Help!!!

OMG...Paraguay leaves in 9 days!
Who the hell is ready for that?
As previously stated...not:
Adorable 13, or the
But she is ready. Not just because there is only so much of me a person can take, but she will be like the Lakers when she goes home. Fanfare, parties, maybe a parade..if they do parades in they, hmmm? Need to ask her.

So in addition to the wind down and the pre-freak out, I have been asked to write a story/report/blog...something for her school magazine. About having her here.

Really??? I don't want to. There are no creative juices here. Not now anyway...

Plus Sis Extrodinaire said that I have to pass it by Bio so that I don't include anything embarassing...Like the fact that we call her Weiner???? Oh, come on... Teeny, one duh, Weiner. (I sense that would get lost in transaltion anyway. hee hee)

What do I write??? It is one thing when I am writing about her in English...but the school, her school?? This is hard and could be dangerous.

Can I be silly? Or will they think I am nuts??
Can I be sarcastic? Or will they think I am mean??
Can I be sentimental? Or will they think I am a sap?

WAIT....Hold the phone (this expression cracks me up every time..) I am such a moron, this is not about me.....God when will I learn? Actually the world is likely to start revolving around me sooner than I will learn that it is not.

And this just in...there are calories, real calories in wine...YEP all wine. This on top of Wiener leaving....not sure I will make it through the day....

I need ideas on the Wiener story and I need diet wine...STAT

Monday, June 14, 2010

18 Years

Hub and I just celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.
HOLY crap that is a really really long time.
My parents didn't stay married so I didn't get the in house training that some might have benefited from. So I a not experienced or always good at it, but alas I try.

We nearly forgot this one though, but we pulled it out at the last minute. We managed to get cards and I got flowers. We went to dinner. Nice...enough. Ya know for 18. When we hit 20 there will be some planning and a bigger deal. But 18...ehhhh.

I bitch and complain (hey I am a girl), but there have been some spectacular times and lessons in these nearly two decades together.

He has given me so much....mostly two amazing offspring that when they are not trying to kill me..are the truest light in my life. And although I always talk like it was a solo act, he helped. (I will never admit this again though..)

He has taught me so many things. Some real and some not. But I am such a fricken sucker, I absolutely believe everything he says.
Like the time I said..while in the bathroom getting ready "I can't remember if I put on deodorant.." and he says "wipe your armpit with your finger than touch it to your tongue."
REALLY?? I DID IT....I didn't question the weirdness or think about it, I just did it.... DON'T ever do this. It completely dries up your tongue and hurts. GOD I am so stupid sometimes.

He has also taught me that emptying a 60 gallon hot water heater tank into a 10,000 gallon freezing cold pool won't heat it..... Now wait, I really really thought it would, and he couldn't convince me otherwise. There was a true glitch in my brain and I really couldn't understand why it wouldn't work....While I am a girl (and repetitive..), I'm pretty smart and I always always listen to logic (unless it's about clothes). But the hunk Hub had to show me. Yeah he did...cutie.

He has taught me that you can take the trash out of your car EVERYtime you exit it. Hmmm?? Still working on that one.

He of course has taught me and everyone who has ever been at my house, the right way to load the dishwasher.

He has tried to teach me... and here he leads by example, that it is actually possible to put your clothes away when you take them off. I still think they are supposed to just stay on the floor where you removed them, but his way seems to work too. You should see his side of the closet...he is NOT gay..not that there is anything wrong with that...(if you are taking offense, you don't know me). Wait a minute...??? Nahh ....just kidding are a stud.

He has given me mucho and taught me oodles and is still patiently teaching me things...

But the most important thing he has ever said to me while fixing our current house that we bought as a major fixer, when the upstairs toilet broke and leaked into the downstairs closet... I sat on the closet floor completely overwhelmed and scared and I cried...." I think we bought the Money Pit, what are we gonna do???" Waa waa. It was a huge deal and a minor breakdown. He stopped everything he was doing, he looked at me and very calmly said to me,
"Don't worry...EVERYthing that breaks can be fixed."

He is the fix it man and everyone knows that he CAN fix anything. But when he said that to me, it meant more than the leak. It meant everything. Cause somewhere along the line everything breaks... a little or lot.. and I hold on to his statement that "everything can be fixed."

Thanks B. xo

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


Teens teens teens...
A day and night of teens.
Adorable 13, Hub and I would be swallowed up.
The day began as usual with the typical morning ritual:
Wake kids, start coffee...
Wake kids, start lunches..
Wake know.........blah blah blah, get them off.
The evening would hold a "Senior Sendoff" for the leaving kids of the Advanced Peer Counseling group that Bio is part of. A really cool group at her HS that is... as it is named. The kids, do wonderful things at school like "Acceptance Week", they mediate, they mentor..They ROCK. (really I think this group of kids is way cool)
So the 'sendoff' includes 45 kids, food, awards and ceremonies and dear God what have I done..AGAIN??? (did it last year).
I can not have a party, even for blind, hungry teens without the house being spotless and perfectly decorated. Since I am slightly busy with my day job..(real estate is picking up..if you can you should be diving in the pool and I can help)...I have not had endless hours to dedicate to household I, ...really who am I kidding I put them off whenever possible. So after the drop off, cleaning would be my morning workout...ARG. (would rather be sweating with Stud dude).
After 2.5 blissful hours of cleaning, moving furniture and making flower was time to go pick up Paraguay. She and I were invited to speak at a Kiwanas club meeting about the joys of the exchange program.
ICK!!! While the group was nice, the meeting was fine and the lunch was free...It was ICKY. Thinking about her leaving gives me hives..talking about it...PUKE!
After that nausea producing lunch, we ran for balloons, then home to finish getting ready for the party.
Work work work...
Then the Peer Counselor 'set up' crew arrive. Their idea of set up is to sign each others year books....
No worries, I am Martha Stewart when in party mode. I got this..
Next the chairs (30) arrive. The set up crew tried to help here. Silly kids.
The last minute details always hang me up and as I am running around Bio tells me that they need to go back to school to get her year book. Ten minutes to party 'go' and she is leaving. Martha will not make a scene with people around....."Sure Honey go ahead...oh yeah have her drive my car....sure." The level of my ass-ness amazes even me sometimes.
No worries...Martha has this.
Party go...45 kids and the presentations begin. Eww it got hot...Fans needed to be rushed to the scene. Then I need to disappear until the next segment. FOOD...
Yep 45 kids eating Panda Express least 7 on the trampoline..funny. It would have been funnier if it broke....
Then more presentations...I make myself an invisible cleaner. Clean up and set up the desserts. Shhhh though cause I am not supposed to be around.
Then after all the presentations are done....gotta move all the chairs from the living room into the family room cause that is where Bio's best friend...cutest Chloe wanted her senior send off to be.
Martha is still bam done. Turn the lights down...cause this involves lighting candles....and the relocation of the fans...being careful with the candle lighting thing... cause I am not a fireman..although???...nahhh never mind..
This goes on for a long time and this part is a very emotional and semi private. So again I am a little Martha problem.
Hub is in the other room watching some sport thing. So every once in a while and always at the wrong while we hear him yell "OH COME ON".. This is a problem . I need to rein his butt in...
FINALLY it is over and the kids go back to their flipping year book GOD why now??
But I am nice.
Finally when the counselor who created and runs this group is packing up she thanks me for being the worlds greatest hostess...(which I am) and then turns to the hub and thanks him so much for all his help preparing and setting up.....HUH???
He says 'Your welcome'...
FOR WHAT???? Getting the ice?????
Really??? I am standing right there...Dear God....

YES, PROBLEM!!!! YES, WORRY!!! No, not really too tired to put up a fight....
Martha out!!!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Beauty of Bio

It appears ...glaringly I guess...that Bio is getting a bad rap. So to clear things up, I am posting about the Beauty of Bio..

First, Bio IS an actual beauty. Her physical beauty in not only from my position of total bias. I did after all create the creature and I was no duckling in my day (and the Hub is still a looker...brat) ...however the truth be told she is a stunner.

BUT the real beauty of Bio isn't even her exterior shimmer. It is the inner beauty of Bio that makes me blissful.

Bio is a teen. A full blown rager of teen everything, but even still, she is one of my VERY FAVORITE people in the world to be with.

I have some extremely fond memories of mother daughter times that I will cherish forever.
Like a trip we took to San Diego one year, while the boys were doing Indian Guides camping crap..(Oh BTW, I heard they will need to change the the name of the Guides, because it is not PC...REALLY? What will they call it ?? Is Native American Guides really less offensive? There are so many things I really don't understand.... Normally I would make a Bio crack here, but that would be inappropriate!!)

Back to the Beauty of Bio:
The San Diego trip was so wonderful. We went to a spa, we went to a Cirque show, we went to Ruth Chris (prior to her declaring she would never eat anything that had a face..). So lovely. But the most memorable times were the drives to and from and hanging in the hotel room. We talked about everything. We laughed about everything. We listened to everything...even my music. It doesn't matter what I am doing with Bio, when we are alone without any angst, the world... is in complete beautiful harmony. Really!!

She is my genetic reflection..or something. SO I guess it makes sense that we would be simpatico. But to be CLEAR..I really really and truly dig Bio as a equal person, that I truly love to spend time with.

She is:
Funny and Fun
Courageous and Brave
Easy Going (unless the hormones have taken possession....hey I get it!)
She is .... WAY more than any adjective I can attach to her.

I love Bio of course. I really love her. I would even if I didn't have to.....But the real Beauty of Bio is that I GENUINELY like her...

I will never question why I got so lucky to have a beautiful Bio that is such an amazing person, I will just spend my days being thankful and making fun of her....(Get over it Honey!)

xoxo love ya Bio..

Friday, May 21, 2010

Sick Of It

I hate hate hate being sick...Is it 'being' sick? Who knows and who cares. (Could ask Bio, since she knows everything.) I usually can ward off the ugly bugs, but since the body is again betraying me and keeping my away from working out with Big Stud, my immune system is compromised.

The house and all it's occupants have been politely sharing and re- sharing some revolting diseases over the past month and a half--give or take a... year..

It always always comes to a complete head at "finals" time. This works particularly well for Bio. This way she can then blame me for a low test score..HOW CAN I SUCK SO BAD?!?!? Please advise. I am sure it is due to the fact that although I put her medicine out by a lovely glass of water for her on the counter and told her 15 times to take it before she left...that it is my fault that she did NOT take it.....Really??? Really really?? She is nearly 17 fricken years old and she has vast experience being sick. Whatevs...over it.

For the Adorable 13 it is not quite as convenient. He doesn't have 'finals' only state testing and that doesn't matter towards grades, so pointless in my book. Schools need to just drop.....whoa never mind...feeling way to poorly to speak my mind about the stupid crap..Here is all I have to say..Quit it.

Paraguay can be sick anytime cause her grades don't matter at all since she goes home (ARG...maybe not) with no credits from her work here. Talk about stupid ...she is working her ass off in her second language for NOTHING! Quit this too..

The Hub pretty much hangs in there until the breaking point. Then he usually takes his toys and goes to the bedroom. He turns the room into a dark cave and stays there until he is better. He gets angry when I ask him if he needs anything.....SERIOUSLY??? Fine..
Another new one just got introduced... on day three of the cold one of my generous off spring shared with me...I woke up from sleeping on the couch..trying to keep illness away from Hub. I get up start to do my morning work, before getting up the kids and starting 'Morning Ritual' and he comes down the stairs, grabs his keys and says "I don't feel well, I am going to the beach." HUH?????
Honest to God....This elicits so many reactions, it is an entire Blog on it's own....Needless, I was NOT happy.

Me, I can't be sick until the end of the day...Cause no matter how I feel I still have to:

Get up and wake the children.....
Make breakfasts
Wake the children
Make lunches
Wake the children
Feed the dogs
Put the dishes in the dishwasher
Dress myself
Get everyone in the car
Pick up other carpooling kids
Drop off at 18 different schools

Go to work.....

Then my day begins...When I am done, or if it is just time..

I leave work
Pick up the older kids
Drive to second school
Wait for three years (with Bio bitching usually that she has "stuff to doaaa")
Get younger kids
Take all kids to their homes
Drop off my kids (with specific instructions on homework, medicine and the like....that just gets ignored)

Go back to work....

When work is done..
Make any needed stops on my way home.
Come home and start dinner.

If I am really really lucky and ONLY if there are no other sick occupants at that time, I can come home and lay around and hope that someone will take care of me....ME..

Yeah, not!!
Coming soon: Why being sick at Connie's house is like winning the Lottery. Well for everyone but me.

Monday, May 17, 2010

California Dreaming

I woke up this morning feeling crappy because of the horrible nightmare where the Hub was furious with me for...not sure what... and grew like a foot taller and dropped the F--- bomb on me. It was scary..

In the beginning after dreams like that when I woke up mad at him, I would tell him what he did in the dream and that I expected an apology..[YES I DID]..... Welllll???? He was being a the dream, but so what..he did it.
And back then he would laugh at me. Like ohhh isn't that cute, she is blaming me for her dreams. Then he would do something like kiss me on the top of me head and walk away.. (Like ahhh bless her deranged little heart)..... That did not work. Stayed mad.

Then he would get minorly pissy, but would still kinda humor me with ...."That was NOT me, it was your dream. I did NOT run off with a strange woman from the bar." then " I am right here."
DUH I see you...NOT THE POINT. Still mad.

Then he progressed to just plain pissed...with no humoring me. It went approximately like.."It was YOUR dream..don't they say that you represent all the people in your dreams? Then you should be mad at yourself.." REALLY?????
THIS DOES not work...although just knowing that is pretty good, but don't throw it back at me...Just stay away from the Psychology of it all... that's my department... JUST APOLOGIZE!!!

Then it progressed to if I even start to say anything about my dreams and he even senses that he mis-behaved (Ya huh) then he walks right out of the room and out of the house, if possible.THIS REALLY DOES NOT WORK!!!! Fuming...

Reallyaaa...... I would apologize if I acted up in his dreams...But the truth is I never do...EVER. It might have something to do with the fact that he doesn't dream (or know). But he does dream I know cause I hear him dreaming and there is never any angst. By the sounds of it I am nice, very nice.... HEY!! WAIT A MINUTE...what if he is dreaming about someone else????? HOLY CRAP, now I am really mad.

He needs to get home right now and apologize for getting big and scary and swearing at me in my dream AND he needs to explain who the HO is in his dreams!!! He better apologize for dreaming about her... FORGET IT, I'm calling him right now.... answer

Oh yeah and if that wasn't bad enough, I woke up with a disorganized perm..not the cute kind I used to pay for in the '80's, but a messy icky one AND...... whoever did my hair, shrunk ALL my clothes two full sizes...Probably the same sleazy, skankball that's in the Hub's dreams.


Good Morning J.V. Thank you for reading, have a great day!

Monday, May 10, 2010

'How To'

Being a Mom is the toughest job I have ever had. I have had a lot of jobs. I have worked since I was 16, so you know like 20 years or so.....Annnnyway, I have had part time nothing jobs to big corporate positions. And now I am in Real Estate Sales...enuf said there.

But Motherhood, man o has some of the crappiest (literally) work ever, the least impact on the bank account (can't say I don't get paid, cause I do...just not in money), and the longest hours. Well actually in this job you never get breaks.

It is also the most important job I will ever have. What I don't get though, is this job doesn't come with instructions or training. Every other job I have ever had you get an employees manual, training and and often a trial period...cause even if your resume said you were right for the may turn out that you're NOT. Becoming a mom, NONE of that. You're a lifer no matter how well you do or how qualified you are.

Sure there are books, like Dr. Spock (which I spent about 30 minutes looking in for 'potty training'...cursing the so called baby expert until the Hub told me normal people call it 'TOILET training'....see I suck) and "What to like very age". But these 'manuals' were not specific to me, to my kids or ANY of the situations I experienced.

It would be like ONLY READING a book on how to Be a Good Teacher and then... using ONLY that information... being thrown into a classroom to teach an 'Advanced Placement Psychology of the Teenage Brain' class. Then going to second period and teaching 'Quantum Physics'.... Honestly!!

I wish each kid came with a How To book, completely specific to them. Outlining the job of raising each one, step by step. Like when you buy furniture you need to assemble. It comes with instructions.... oh and pictures. Yeah I would need pictures. I would probably only really looked at the pictures.....and actually that IKEA table, I didn't even do that. That one last piece that remained when I was done assembling..that I couldn't figure out where it was supposed to was the Allen Wrench. Yeah it was really hard getting those screws in with a Phillips screw driver..they were all stripped. I know these things now thanks to the Hub.

Well now that I really think about it.....never mind. Mr. IKEA could have walked through the table assembly step by step and I would have done it my way anyway....Yeah forget it, I will continue to wing it........

May the force be with me and my poor offspring.

Saw Babies on Mother's day...super cute!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

No Take Backs...

My mom just asked me what I was gonna do when Paraguay went home........... to Paraguay..

WHAT??? I have to give her back???

This was not thought through. How did I not plan for this? I think everything through...way through...Ask the hub.

Crap, does Bio know this?
She will be totally crushed!!
----Who will she stay up all night chatting with..even on school nights?
----Who's clothes will she steal?
----Who's gonna do her Spanish homework? Don't look at me No Habla Espanol..

Does Adorable 13 know this?
He will be devastated!!
----Who will watch Bob Esponja endlessly with him?
----Who will laugh at his jokes like she does?
----Who will run around the house with him like it is on fire..for no reason other than it is fun?

Does the hub know this?
He will be so sad.
----Who will ....??? YEAH whatever
He will be very sad. He does love her like his own.

And what will I do???
I can't stand this thought...
I have :
----taken her into my home.
----taken her into my family.
----taken her to school (so scared for her..freaked all day til she came home).
----taken her to the doctor.
----taken care of her while sick.
----taken her on vacation.

ALL GLADLY and happily.
But mostly:

I have taken her into MY HEART!!! And that is a tough nut to crack..AND now someone is gonna take her away from ME????


Monday, May 3, 2010

Little White Lines

When I took my mom to the airport and watched her go I cried. The truth is that nowadays everything makes me cry ...or in between lately and oh yeah everything scares me. (My family is so lucky) I think it is possible that I am being taken over by aliens,.....How else can these bizarre emotions be explained??? Mystery..

Anyway, I don't ofter drive to the airport and I know it has been a fairly long time since I was in Drivers Ed...

(Not to worry though 'cause I usually am fortunate enough to have bio with me to tell me how to drive, and explain things to me since she knows everythingaaaa. "Mom you are speeding. Mom you are following too closely for the speed at which you are travelling. Mom the light is green GOaaa." She IS in Drivers Ed now, duhhhh.. Pheww thank God!)

Oh Crap is that what I sound like when the hub is driving?? Note to self: Check that cause it is so annoying.

but... don't those dotted white lines define the lanes? And aren't you supposed to stay WITHIN them? Really it is like an obstacle course every time you get behind the wheel...

People are putting on make up, reading, people are texting, talking on the phones... Oh and BTW.. holding the phone in your hand with speaker on up close to your mouth but not up against your ear does NOT qualify as "Hands Free"...seriously. Just put it to your'll look slightly less stupid!!! People are driving with their knees, they drive while eating and they drive with those "accessory" dogs on their shoulders or on their laps with those little toothpick paws on the steering wheel!!!! ... Really how is that NOT illegal????

I get pulled over and get ticketed for everything. How do these criminals get away with this crap??? I don't get it.

This crap doesn't make me laugh or cry and the next person that tries to side swipe we while driving with their knee so the can eat and hold their phone near their mouth engaged in some extremely important conversation while their rat dog plays 'driving'..... should be scared of ME...

Oh yeah and I have some free floating anger sometimes...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Driving me to Drink

When I show property to a client, I am completely unavailable to the family and they know this. I always make all the necessary announcements and arrangements for my DAY away.

"Ok guys, I will be unavailable today from 1-4. If you need anything, call your dad, ok?"

I make a point to tell the hub, cause otherwise he wouldn't answer his phone when one of us calls. So this has to happen....via text. That's ok, as long as I get the promise that he will take any calls from the kids during the designated prob.

SO yesterday, I had a super long day driving all over the world with clients that I had never met...(they are actually about the nicest people ever, but I didn't know that then). At about hour 3.5....stressed about the next location and I have to admit a little off GPS for this gal, my phone rings....Bio. Hmmm. Must be an emergency... Better answer. Excuse myself, pull over and answer.

"Hi Honey."
"Where are youaaa?"
"Out with clients honey."
"But WHERE are you
"I think I am in Thousand Oaks." A little off track as I said.
"OMG...Arg!! I have a driving lesson in 10 minutes and my permit is in your car!!!!"
"What am I supposed to doaaaaa?"
"Call Dad."
"What good would that do? The permit is in your caraaaa? "

Trying really hard not to rip her a new one, 'cause my new clients might call Child Services while looking for a new realtor.

"Well maybe he could figure something out."
"That won't work and I can't cancel. They are gonna be here in like two minutesaaa!!!"

So what???? Please darling, stop believing I care about this.

"Well I am busy right now, so you can try to figure it our with dad or not."
"ARE you kidding me???" (I hear this alot lately and for the record..NO I AM NOT!!)

I really really really want to let her twist in the wind. Not sure why, just do. But only I will pay for it if I do so against my better judgement and offer more help. Call me, Mrs. Ass.

"OR you can find out if I can drop it off somewhere (this is risky, of course...cause I am way off track and I am with people that I don't really know.) or at their location. I think I am close to there."


Really, you did at the dinner table the other night when you made this appointment...but ok...

"Ok well maybe you can find it and let me know."
"GODaaaa ARG!!!"

Hangs up on me...Fine, maybe now I can get back to work.

ring ring

"Ok, they said you can bring it there....aaaaaaa!!" hhmm Found the number, did ya??
"Great, get the address and text it to me with the cross street."
"Maamm, I DON'T KNOW ITaaa" That is why I said get it.

Yep my turn..hang up.

I get the text....Weave my way around (while looking like an idiot) to the driving school, get there. I hop out of my car and tell my clients to feel absolutely free to steal it while I'm gone. Race in with the permit....this is so stupid.

Get in there is a guy in front of me ...crap... The woman (not young) behind the counter is chatting on the phone. ...As I recall from my last visit, she chats forever. The dude in front of me sensed my tension and told me to go ahead. Thanks nice dude.

I am waving the permit in her face...and she is Blah blah blahing away...

"Yeah I know..Well enjoy that and your birthday too...(she looks up) oh yeah I think she is standing in front of me right now." --- Oh, so you DO see me.


"Ok good luck Honey, bye."

She looks up and starts to talk....."Yes I am Lily's mom. Here is her permit. Thanks." Arg and her birthday is in three months.

After this really long day I come home to dinner ready on the table...thanks hub.
At the table, I replay the phone calls and the back and forth and Bio says..

"That is NOT WHAT I said..except maybe that last part." Ha gotcha.."maybe"
"What was I supposed to doaaa?"
"Call dad like I asked"
"What could he do the permit was in your car?"
"Well maybe he could have figured out a place to meet me and get your permit."--that you LEFT in my car..
"Right? You guys could have figured that out?"
They look at each other....cuties...


"No probably not..."

HONESTLY...drink please.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

This Little Light of Mine

You know when you set out to do something that will take forever and is very repetitive?
Like when for a fund raiser I volunteered to make one million gem studded candles to sell at a boutique......(Really, not sure why I did that...hhmmm?)

You start:
You get everything you need, all your supplies..
You might even spend a good amount of time planning out your supplies..
You organize them all on the work table in the order you're gonna use them..
You think about how it will best get done..
You think about how to make them turn out just right..

You start..
You grab the candle and start adding gems... You stand back and evaluate.
You turn the candle and add more... You stand back, evaluate.
You hold up the candle and add more... You stand back, evaluate.
And at every step you think about and often make changes to the gem application.
There are even points when you remove and replace gems.
You put it down and add more...You stand back and evaluate
You turn it upside down and add more... You stand back, evaluate.

Then you are done. You do the full evaluation. Perfect!
But it did take forever and you have 999,999 to go...

So then you start candle 2 and this time you evaluate ways to make the process go smoother.
Then candle 3 and this time you evaluate ways to make it go faster..
Then while looking at the pile left to go you evaluate ways to make it more bearable and efficient while keeping them beautiful ..

And it is for a while....

But then at some point you realize that you're not having any fun...
Then you attack the huge stack with a new attitude and make it ENJOYABLE and laugh!!

The you RE-evaluate the entire process and you decide:
These candles are full of beautiful gems and if they are not perfectly symmetrical and if the process takes a little longer and it has bumps along the way...WHO CARES!!!
They are gems and they were lovingly placed by me...
But if I am not having fun, it is not worth it...

To me this is what raising kids is like.
My candles are beautiful, full of gems that will shine on.....whether I enjoy the process or not!!!
I wanna laugh and laugh really hard.
I hope I didn't figure this out too late and I hope I can remember this everyday.

Maybe this is what the whole life journey is about....simply; beauty, love and laughter!!

Sorry, the sap just flowed outta me this morning..... hee hee...

Monday, April 26, 2010

Burning What???

I just spent a super fun weekend with my awesome brother Camp Chris in Ojai as a birthday gift. Ojai is a really cute, artsy remote-ish community not far from my abode. Camp Chris, has spent much time there both working (sign master of the universe) and playing (his BFF lives there) golfing and hanging.

My hub and I were treated to a lovely dinner, a spa treatment for me and a round of golf for deal ever....(My mom did great in the sibling department.)

We also attended a birthday party that we did NOT know started at 5:00 or that it was an Alice in Wonderland adult birthday party. We were late ...really late--8:30-- and WAY under dressed. OOpppss!! So by the time we got there the party was in full full over full swing.

Oh yeah to get there....We had to watch the odometer..cause the directions were.."go 5 miles out of town turn right, take the next first right and go 10.2 miles." This was critical, cause there was NOTHING on the road. OMG we were totally on Serial Killer Lane for 10.1 miles---bad directions. I was not comforted by Camp Chris's GF telling me that serial killers always look for these parties out in the middle of nowhere to come and kill everyone.

I buy this crap and DIDN'T like it!! So upon our late and under dressed arrival, I headed straight for the bar and some liquid comfort.

The conversation (with Alice, the Mad Hatter and others) was largely about some upcoming "Burning Man" thing. Huh??? I had NEVER heard of the Burning.... thing prior to this Serial Killer party.

OK you might already know this:
But it is a party--a WEEK long party in the middle of NOWHERE, where there is NOTHING..well dust and a huge wooden man that they BURN. No hotel rooms, no restaurants, no room service, no water, no BATHROOMS. You go there with everything you need cause if you forget something, you have to trade for it (or you are SOL) money allowed. It is in a.. IDK an abandoned "salt lick" or something where there are frequent dust storms.....And when they happened you have to wear goggles and a you don't get blinded or choke to death.

People, get naked, paint their bodies and walk around this dust bowl for a week. Sweat, paint, and dust all over my body???? WT Heck??? There is no part of this that I can even imagine as anything other than PURE HELL.

These people are not kids, these are adults (old my age). And they plan for it. They build cars that have couches and dance floors and hot tubs (That would get full of sweat, paint and dust. OMG gross!!!).

It was the major big topic of conversation at the Serial Killer party. A little into the evening, while chatting with all my new BF's, people were telling me (TELLING) that I wanted (WANTED) to go to Burning Dog and that I was gonna love (LOVE) it....


When I got home and told Bio about this horrible week of hell and all the gruesome details of things that take place there and that her uncle and his friends are attending this Burning Branch thing...she says..

"Burning MAN, maammm....duhhhh...OMG it is the best thing ever!!!
"Uncle Chris is sooooo cool. "

If I have to get sweaty and dirty for a week of Hell to be "cool" to Bio... I will REMAIN the dork forever...thank you very much!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010


Paraguay and Adorable 13 came flying down the stairs last night semi-late (for moi) about 8:30. Adorable 13 screeched, "Teeny (aka Paraguay/Tina ... she is so mini we renamed her ... I rename everyone, duh) ... WANTS to play a board game!"

What Paraguay wants Paraguay gets ... Bio hates this ... who can blame her? (Get over it!)

He is holding CLUE, ewww.. I hate that stupid game ... you move around the rooms and keep track of crap ... I think I liked it when my brain was still a functioning organ.

"Noooo not CLUE that is too boring (cover up for I am too old, tired and stupid right now to win that game ... don't play if you're not planning on winning ... that's my motto. Really!) Go get Pictionary." I love that game ... cause it is fast, no keeping track and everyone looks like an idiot when they play ...

"Pictionaryaaaaa?" Yep he is a teen now.

"ARG ... go get it"

Bio was excited cause she was gonna get to stretch her Gfriend muscle and kick her Bfriend's butt ... Bio's Boo has been around long enough to know ... whatever ... he's been around too long. (Wait, why was he here so late on a school night anyway??)

It depends on my partner and the state of my mind ... but if the world is in perfect harmony, I kick ass at the game. Until hub comes around (he never starts the game, hhmmm?) and kicks mine.

I seriously did NOT realize until the first pencil hit paper that Paraguay would be at a total disadvantage ... although she is quite the artist ... NOTE: the Ass Family portrait ...

But try to think of the word and mentally draw it in your first language ...
Translate the world then draw again in your second language ...
Really this would be very hard ...
I thought ... better go easy on sweet, gentle, disadvantaged Teeny ...

HA ... NOT!!!
OMG! that girl is fierce ...

Do not let the language barrier fool you ... she understands everything ...
Do not question her about who said it first ... she gets scary ...
Do not help her with ideas ... she needs no help ...

She got things like:
Butterfly ... from a drawing that looked like hot dog buns ... (not mine) ...
Cat and Mouse ... from a blob ...
Buffalo ... from my really bad whack drawing ... Ok it turns out that Buffalo is Buffalo in her espanol ... but still ...
She got, Underneath, come on, that's hard.

Bottom line ... DO NOT GO EASY on Paraguay. I was ready to throw the game if necessary (and man that goes against every fiber in my being) but FORGET THAT.

I guess it stands to reason that kids who at 16 can leave home, travel across the world, live with strangers (ME for God's sake), that speak a different language and then go to a foreign High School, (CRAP wasn't that scary enough at home?? Was for me ... ) would be above average in intellect and courage ... BUT man... never ever underestimate her ...

It took a few months, but I am on to her and her innocent act now ...

SO Paraguay ... Game ON!!

Hee hee ... not really. She is too cute. I think she needs a sick day.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Birthday Bliss

My birthday ... (like 42, what's it to ya?) was really amazing this year.
It was small, family only and super fun.

I have had parties:
Thrown by me ...
Thrown by others ...
Big parties ...
Small parties ...
Theme parties ...
Surprise parties ...
Dinner parties ...

But this birthday ... with a make shift party was the best ever ...

The kids were perfect angels to me starting with the Morning Ritual ...
The only fight I had that morning was with the Saran Wrap ... which I WON. (Thank God, that would be embarrassing to lose to plastic wrap. But it put up a good fight.)

They insisted I open one gift (forget about it on Christmas Eve ... they will try it, just wait).
It was a lovely spa basket with Lavender Bath salts, scented candles and squishy slippers. Awww ...
Oh yeah, Paraguay made me a picture of our Family. The Ass family. I am Smart, she is Kiss. See why we love her????

Next, I worked out with my FAVE teacher ... who - ha ha - put me on stage. I have been working out with this man (hunky stud dude) for five years or so and he has never ever attempted to put me up there (Bio sent him an early morning text telling what this special day was...cute). But he did, it was kinda fun and I didn't have a stroke. Promising ...

Came home. Took a spa bath with the candles ... Heaven

Spent several few hours doing real estate work (cause that's what I do). Also spent an extremely enjoyable hour reading the nicest FB messages ... Love FB!! Read the best text messages from my sibs, my nieces and nephews ... (love these kids like crazy). Had my mom read me "If you were born today"... an annual tradition ... and thanked her for giving birth to me ... She said it was fun ... Yeah ... like the eye lift???
[NOTE: the complete lack of housework. There was laundry to be folded. There were dishes to clean ... beds to be made ... NOPE, not gonna!]

Picked up the kids. Came home ...
Paraguay and Adorable 13 decided to bake. Bio had to..who knows, prepare for her PHD Thesis (or something equally important). So, I read and rested!!!

This is the best day EVER. Got up, took a shower (hair ... can't do hair in the tub, duh) ... Got all ready for dinner. Came down stairs and was told to go back up to my room for a while ... OKEE DOKEE!! Gladly.

Was summoned down a few minutes later and came in to see the cutest cupcake arrangement ever. Each one had a lit candle and each candle had a a piece of paper containing an adjective that describes why they LOVE me ... They LOVE me!!!!

So fricken cute. One even said "Dumb Ass" ... Adorable 13 ... my cutie. It was fun til "#1 Mom" and "#1 Host Mom" caught on fire. No worries, we got it out in time to save the house.

Next we opened cards. Super super sweet one from the hub ... hhhmmm? Adorable one from "All of us" and Bio's hand made card that told me she loves me "even when we are fighting" Awwwwww ... I love you too honey, even when I want to kill you. Really.

Opened more really thoughtful gifts and went out to dinner ...

The restaurant was offering wine for half price!!! At least that is what the hub told me. Alrighty this is gonna be the best year ever.

Came home and wrote wishes on awesome wish paper from Mom (love love love my Mom) and set them on fire ... you're supposed to ... and watched them take flight. SO my wish is out there in the Universe.

Then when they were all done showering me with love, we all went to bed.

my wish ... is that I can remember how loved I felt on this day every remaining day of my life ... shhhhh too sappy ...