Monday, March 29, 2010

Why is Everybody Always Mad at Me???

Today everyone left the house mad at me …

The hub is pissed cause I asked him a question before he left for work. I believe I am harassing him … hhhhmmmm?

Adorable pre-teen is mad because I made him take his science project display board to school because it is due today.  I can't take it for him, (which I actually offered to do for him...I am such an ass) because I am not allowed on campus at ANY time for ANY reason when he is there because it would mortify him. I believe this is child abuse … hhhhmmmm?

Bio-teen is furious with me cause … well so many reasons. One, I forgot to tell her we are leaving for spring break a day earlier than she thought … this is sorta legit and I have apologized up and down (wait, I am a huge ass).  Two, cause I wouldn't let her stay home this morning so she could catch up on her homework ... huh??? ... reasons three to 1,200 are about similar crap … and reason number 1,201 for her to be mad at me is that she is sick …   
Maaamm, God why am I ALWAYS sick???
Honey, I think you need to get more sleep?
Are YOU serious right now?  That has nothing to do with it.  Weren't you always sick when you were my age? … kinda clever … but,
No Darling Girl, I was almost never ill when I was your age.
Oh right, yeah, sure mom... she walks off mumbling  crazyyyyyy …

I have yet to figure this out, but I AM TO BLAME, make no mistake about it … just not sure why … hhhhmmmm??

SO many mysteries so little interest. Whatevs … stay mad at me … maybe you can go live with your friends whose moms are better, smarter, nicer, prettier (well maybe not) and … JUST GO … xoxo love ya

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Your Way or the Highway..

I don't know when this happened and no doubt it has been happening slowly over many years but everything in my world is done the way someone else wants it.

-I load the dishwasher the way the hub wants it loaded … cause otherwise he re-loads it  (yes he does)… "You can fit more … it's more efficient." It doesn't matter that the time to re-load was a colossal waste … "Nuh uh!" 
-I fold his undershirts a certain way … cause otherwise they don't get put away ... "I can fit more in the drawer that way … it's more efficient” Hmmm, theme??? Fit, efficiency??? What are these words and WHY does he always say them to me? A form of marital torture I think ... this should be studied …

-I only have the radio stations that my bio-teen listens to in the car programmed … cause otherwise she bitches and pulls out old woman cards … see "I Am Not Smarter Than an 11th Grader"… brat!
-My entire life schedule revolves around her breathing pattern … that change without notice … and then I am a total loser when I don't know about the changes telepathically … "Maaaaaammmm rehearsal just got cancelled and I need a rideaaaa … Yes now, duh, Godddda!” What a total moron I am!!! Who knew??? I know she doesn't always intend to sound so nasty … but intentions and actions … well, they don't always jibe.

-I try not to open my mouth during adorable pre-teen's soccer games … 'cause otherwise he gets embarrassed.
-I never ever go on the middle school campus; no matter what he needs … cause otherwise he gets embarrassed …Crap, another theme? Perhaps I am a total moron. He is cute and not so demanding YET, so he gets away with it … HA, who am I kidding? … they all get away with it … yea, for sure, moron!

-I only plan outings and trips that they want, even for Mother's Day or my birthday … 'cause otherwise I will be miserable I will come home bald. Yes, totally selfish on my part, but I really don't have enough hair left to risk it.
-I make different meals for different family members … 'cause otherwise it means I love someone more.

Blah blah blah … on and on and on!

As for household chores … if I can get them to do any, I mostly let them do it their way 'cause really doing anything is better than the usual nothing. But I so much as ask them to tuck the sheet in when making their bed and … holy crap! … I hear:

"OMG Maaaammmm … I think I KNOW how to make a bedaaa....Godddd... you are such a TOTAL  CONTROL freak!"  Yes, I sorry Honey, go ahead, do it your way.   Gun please.

I guess I am the total moron, control freak that can't see patterns until they are tatooed on my arm, but to be fair, I and I alone created these monsters!!!  Oh well, that is why God created wine....

Monday, March 22, 2010

Too Angry for the Theater

We went to the movies the other night and crap it's expensive … for a family or even a date night, man, mucho deniro. I never really paid attention to the cost of entertainment things before. But if Botox had to go, so will other things. Tough!

I know my friends in "the industry" (I am sooo connected) love to go the movies, yeah not me. I admit there are some movies you have got to see on the big screen … anything with Johnny Depp. But, I can't sit still that long, I can't get up to go potty, I can't get a refill (of stupid soda) ... If I had the giant remote and I could pause it, maybe. No probably not. To me it's like being on a plane … just urrgg! It never fails, I think I am comfortable and I settle in and BAM I get ants in my pants and jumpy legs both at once. This is not fun for me or those around me. Ask my kids … maaam can't you sit still??? Stop complaining and watch the movie … HUH? ...who's who here???

And of course there is always someone around me talking … like discussing the whole movie as it unfolds … SHUT UP … I just paid $5,000 to come and watch this gigantic, painfully loud movie in peace and quiet … TALK WHEN YOU LEAVE …

I would rather spend the money having margaritas sitting across the table and talking to my date. If you are going to the movies it's cause your date doesn't want to talk to you … WAIT a minute … maybe that is why the hub suggests going … hhmmmmm???

And really, WHY do they make, print and hand you a coupon when you walk in that gives you $1.00 (one) off the $33.00 combo? Just make the flippin combo $32.00 and save the time, effort and trees … Honestly!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Don't Judge Me....

When my beautiful bio-teen was a baby I remember being out in public with her and people would always stop and oohhh and aahhh her (this happens with all babies, I know). At that stage, and being a first time mom, I reveled in it and even encouraged it.

"Yes she is beautiful, thank you … Oh yes, she was born with all that lovely hair … I know, her features don't look like a babies, they are so delicate … " blah blah blah … If I heard myself say that crap now I would puke.

(I do hear that crap in the play section of the mall – where all the moms go with their kids for a mall break. These mothers talk soooo loud to their kids. "RICKIE GOOD JOB JUMPING OFF THAT BLOCK. RICKIE DO YOU WANT TO EAT YOUR CARROTS NOW?" Seriously lady, Rickie fell off that block and he does not want to eat those carrots now or EVER, and just Shhhhh really.   I know I was slightly over the top, but I was never that loud … in public anyway … catch me at home at about 7:10 am.)

Things progressed however and when bio became pre-teen and I am talking 10 or 11 years old. I noticed people looking at her everywhere … ok MEN looking at her. At this point, it still seemed to make me feel proud. In my head … "Yes she is a beauty. I made her …" more blah blah blah …

Then the early teen years hit and EVERY male of EVERY age EVERYwhere was ogling her. Like they watch her as she is coming and then turn around to watch her leave. I AM RIGHT HERE, DUDE!!!!! Unbelievable to me. At first it shocked me. Then I had to realize this is human nature (it is why we are thriving species). But after over exposure (cause at this age, I am almost always with her), I started getting really pissed. I began growling at these males. Audible scary growls. Never scary enough.

It continued … duh, don't know why this surprised me, and I got to the point where I would stop dead in my tracks, look at the perp square in the face and say (in a not nice manner) "SHE IS ONLY 14 YEARS OLD, BUDDY!!!!" Swear to God, they did not even see me or hear me. I tried upping the volume, no luck … BEASTS …

Then when she really hit her woman-ness, it was out of control. I tried to growl, tried to intimidate … nothing … then somewhere along the line I got really really mad, 'cause it occurred to me that men were not EVER looking at me anymore. So although my pride kept me from screaming it out loud, it was wailing in my head ..."WHAT ABOUT ME!!!??!! … HEY!!! LOOK AT ME, I AM STILL PRETTY." Yeah forget it. Just don't stand next to a gorgeous teen girl … just don't.

I admit to being a slow learner about some things, but one thing I NEVER miss is an opportunity.

So now, when I go to the DMV, phone store, radio shack or ANYWHERE that there are male employees; I make her come with me and strut her stuff. I even tell her that her shirt is NOT too low-cut when I want something … it is really funny. I can be standing right next to her telling her exactly what to say to Fred behind the counter … (to get what I want) and he doesn't even know I am there … (invisible is ok in these cases). HA HA Fred, jokes on you and your whole gender NOW … you just gave me $500 of free services and you don't even realize it … hee hee hee!

Yeah I pimp her out when it suits me … SOOOoooooaaa?? Crap, I gave birth to her (that was NOT pretty) and raised her … she owes me …

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

St Patty's day

To me, this is one of the best holiday's ever created.  Not sure what you are officially supposed to do on this day, but it doesn't matter cause  no one else does either....

So unofficially this day goes like this for me;
Feed the kids a green breakfast.  Green pancakes, or this year a new addition...not a new eggs, bagels with green cream cheese and green milk.  So SILLY.  Paraguay thought her breakfast was photo worthy....Look out FB.  Hope her mom doesn't freak.
In their lunches they will find green cookies and green chips.... Paraguay will also have green cream cheese on her sammy...ha....   They were also blessed with my art work..... I attempted to draw shamrocks on their lunch bags (I hope it doesn't look like something obscene)....
Tonight, Corned beef and cabbage with green BEER.. NOT for the kids, duh.  Me me me.  I love love love beer.  But beer makes me fat (ter) so I have mostly given it up.  Well I traded it for wine..which makes me less fatter.   But tonight I get to drink long as it's green.  YAY!!

I used to celebrate this fab day with big green parties... before-kids (BK) everything, loads of green so fun.  It was at one of these soirees that I met and fell in love with the hub...He was not wearing green, but I was sure he had on a "Kiss Me" pin....didn't he??? Well I did it anyway.  No more parties, but still it is one of my favorite days of the year!!!

The kids still have school ....ahhh
No on expects cards....
No gift wrapping until you can't stand up.....
No one expects gifts....
The meal prep is no elaborate deal..toss it in a pot with water...boom done....
You don't have to say what you are thankful for....
You don't have to search for that last missing hidden egg.... gross
You don't have to have the best date ever....
You don't have to stay up until midnight....
You JUST GET TO eat salty, fatty meat and drink green BEER....EVEN if you are not Irish.
I LOVE Pat...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What I Have Learned

I think that if we are really lucky and if we pay close attention, everything and everyone will teach us things.  I am going to share some of the valuable life-changing things I have learned from ...

Paraguay Teen:

I have learned that some things are Universal:

-Chocolate is the international cure-all. It is the number one teen cure for PMS around the world.

-That a "nights" sleep when you are a teen, averages around 15 hours, no matter what your country of origin.

-That Chemistry sucks as much in your second language as it does in your first.

-That Sponge Bob Square Pants is an International delight.  I think most of us could have figured that, but what I JUST learned is: The Sponge Bob Square Pants theme song sung in Spanish makes me pee my pants ... You gotta do this, the last line of the song ... you know Sponge Bob Square Pants, repeat then again with emphasis ... get this ... "Bob esponja, Bob esponja, Bobbbbbbbb Essssponja ... "  Seriously hysterical. If you are singing this you better be wearing Depends ... well if you've had children, that is (NOT fair).

I have learned an abstract tidbit:
Swear words are prettier in Spanish.  Thank God and I gotta learn more.

I have learned that "Mani/Pedi" does not translate.  And further, that if I say "Do you wanna go get a mani/pedi?" fast, it is really scary (I wonder what it sounded like to her hhmmmmm?).  You should have seen the poor child's face when I asked her that ... love her.

I learned that telling her on our first trip to the beach, that the Hefty bag floating out in the ocean was a dead body.... was NOT funny.

I learned that when I told my bios that if they didn't clean their rooms, I was gonna kill them ... also not funny and really scary the first several times.

But mostly I have learned that people are more the same than different, no matter your age, gender, place of birth, socioeconomic standing, or really anything.  Most of us want to make others happy, to do the right thing, to love and to be loved.  In the midst of all the crap that is going on around ALL of us, I feel really grateful that Paraguay came to us ... (oh crap, teary).

Rest assured though ... she is totally singing "Bob Esponja" for her dinner from now on ...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

I Am Not Smarter Than an 11th Grader

Why do we even have discussions about what to listen to in the car??? It is my car. I drive it. I pay for it. I fill it with gas. I clean it – just kidding.
But seriously, every single time Bio-teen is sitting "SHOT GUN!!!!" ("No I called it first!" "Noooaaa, I did, Maaammm!" this is so fun), she thinks she owns MY radio. Of course, it is curious that all my pre-programmed stations are on her Hip Hop crap … hmmm???

I do remember, barely, being a teen in the car with my Mom and trying these same stunts. It never worked for me. But Bio is smarter than I was. Here are her tricks:

"Mom this talk radio gives me a raging headache … REALLY … it is making me nauseous!" Seriously?
I have fallen for this in the past … Not any more. Next:

"Mom pleaseaaaa, I have been in school all day, I just need a break from the stress!" Seriously?
I did fall for this one, more than I am proud to admit. I did think she had too much stress … but then I finally came to my senses … try paying the bills chick.

But then she got me … damn her … with this one:
I went to change the station to what I (the person paying for the car) wanted to listen to … and she looks at my hand reaching for the button and she says to me:
"Wow mom your hands are really starting to look old."

Yep, Mom out, YOU WIN!!!! Play what you want – I gotta hide my old hag hands.

Crap! …

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Pillow Talk

Every morning when I go to wake up the troops in my super nice way ... I notice that the very first thing they ALL do, is reach under their pillow. They are all too old to have tooth fairly visits ... I think, although adorable pre-teen might still have a few to lose, not sure … hmm? Either way if the tooth fairy were coming nightly, I think I WOULD know about it ...

No, they are grabbing their cell phones. Honestly they sleep with them under their heads. WHY???

Are they gonna get a really important call in the middle of the night? ... like:
They have been offered the job that they ... no they DON"T work …
They won the lottery ... no they are too young to play …
Someone gave birth ... God no, please ...

WHAT, are they preparing in case of an emergency?
Impossible, they don't wake up to alarm clocks ... they don't even budge when my house alarm goes off. And it is one of those tornado warning type of alarms.  You know the kind that alerts the entire TOWN?  (That needs to be replaced....really, it nearly gave me a heart attack when it went off.)

WHAT is it???
I needed to know.
Cute Paraguay says ... "For the time. I use it for the clock." Isn't she cute and sweet?  Love her.
Bio – "No Mom, duh ... our boyfriends need to text us ... "

REALLY???  I can sing, ask, yell and scream … the town tornado alarm can go off and you don't budge ... But if your BF texts you (on vibrate) you wake up???

SO in order for me to get you up in the morning, I have to text you????


Monday, March 8, 2010

Dirty Duck-ing

I woke this morning to a major ruckus in my pool. I wasn't sure what was happening. Water was flying, wings were flapping and there were noises ... weird noises. I got up and looked out the window and there was some kind of duck ruckus going on. I am more than just a little curious, ‘cause here in Oak Park I am known as the Crazy Duck Lady ... affectionately I am sure ... but that’s a whole 'nother Oprah.

So in my pool are three male ducks and one female. They're playing. Awww how cute. I look closer. They aren't playing ... they're FIGHTING and it's getting rougher!!! Oh no.

It looked pretty awful. Two boy ducks were ganging up on the girl duck ...

WAIT a minute ... this was not fighting, those boys were doing naughty duck things to the innocent girl duck. It was brutal. You know ducks mate for life, so every few minutes the third male duck, obviously the hub, tried to stop this horrible affair. (I am getting teary. So sad!!) No luck. The two naughty boys continue. They don't even stop when I knock on the window ... BAD BAD MEAN ducks.

Poor little female duck. Enough of this, I open the door and I LET THE DOGS OUT (I was singing it).

The guilty ducks fled. The married couple stayed and rested in the pool. Phewwww.

I was so pleased with myself for saving this precious little girl from any further naughtiness.

"Ok sweetie you are safe, I saved you from those brutes. You rest now."

I am ready to accept her appreciation and I SWEAR she gave me a DIRTY look. I think if she had one, she would have given me the finger. Then she spun her sassy little duck butt around and initiated naughtiness with her hub.

HHHMMMPPPHH!! Lord love a duck.....

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Stop Tellling Me the Truth ...

My mom is visting and I LOVE MY MOM.  She is truly one of my favorite people on earth and I really dig hanging out with her.  She is very smart, super funny and she is always completely honest with me ...
Buuut, I just learned (and I am really slow about these things) ... that the honesty thing NO LONGER works for me.  Here's why:

While looking in the mirror (which used to be fairly enjoyable),
I say,"I should really get my eye lids lifted." 
My mom says, "Yes you REALLY should." 

I don't know what the scary look I shot her said, but in her cute mom fashion she tried to back peddle a little.

"Really, it's easy and fast and it's fun ... "
FUN?????  Holy crap, she was supposed to say something like "No dear, you don't need a ... you're way too young for a ... "

"I should really get a face lift (see, SLOW learner)."
"Well no not yet, but you could start thinking about it in a few years."
WRONG ANSWER! ... The right one sounded like this in my head ... "Don't be silly, you are decades away from needing a ... " Forget it! ...

"My stomach is huge."
"No, your STOMACH is not fat."  Yeah, OK Honest Abe, go ahead and tell me where I AM FAT ... 'cause I could hear it ...

This is what we loved about our moms, when we really wanted to hear the truth, but not anymore.  I am gonna institute a "NO TRUTH" policy with my mom ... well, if she'll let me ... she's still the boss of me, afterall ...

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Google Me This ...

You know when you Google something ... and those little ads pop up?
They are starting to freak me out!

First it was little things … like you know … household products.  Then, Google started to know me … now I find that everyday it knows something else about me …

"46-year-old Mother from Oak Park lost 8,000 pounds following this one simple rule …"
How does it know my AGE my TOWN and how fat I am – seriously?

46-year-old realtor earned $6 million last year using this one little product …"
It even knows that my real estate business needs a boost …

It was just kinda creepy until it told me where to find …
Single SENIORS in my area … 46-year-old lawyer in Oak Park … blah, blah, blah!

Ok that is just scary on EVERY level … I am not looking for single men … I’M MARRIED!!! Wait, I at least think I am, but this thing is so smart … better call the hub.

And Holy Crap! … WHEN did 46 become SENIOR?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Morning Ritual

Every week day morning starts exactly the same way, I get up, start the coffee and go to the kids’ bedroom doors (well, unless someone has posted new FB pics … yeah ... please stop that).

"Get up kids; it's time to get going!" xoxo

I start really sweet ... “Come on guys let's go. It's a beautiful day outside (even when it's not – they’re still asleep and can't tell if I am lying)." Sweet, right?

Next, I usually sing ... "Rise and shine and give MOM your glory, glory." Cute, right?

And, before I go back downstairs to start the caffeine drip and maid duties, I say fun things like ... "Let's rock and roll!" or "Feet on floor!" Fun, right?

Enough, I figure, so I proceed to my next excruciatingly fun task. Down I go and I start preparing three breakfasts and three lunches (and seriously this is too hard at this hour for me ... check this out: bio-teen is a newly declared vegetarian, Paraguay ESL teen only eats meat and carbs, and adorable pre-teen boy needs lots of food). I am guzzling coffee at this point. And EVERYDAY (I am a total moron), I truly believe that they are upstairs doing what I so politely and cutely asked of them ...just  GETTING UP!

Usually around a mayonnaise application, I realize I am hearing nothing from above.   GO near the stairs and say loud and still sweet, but minus the singing ... "Guys let's go, time to get moving and grooving!" Kinda sweet, right?

Go back to the short order cook shit and continue to guzzle the coffee.

5 minutes pass STILL NOTHING.   GO to the first landing of the stairs and say "GUYS get up NOW your going to be late!" Not sweet but not nasty, right?

3 minutes later ... ‘cause I still have to finish all the crap they need ... OK STILL NOTHING ... GO all the way upstairs and start yelling and threatening ... I won't write those quotes ... you will think less of me (can't have that) … this works and they get up.  They scramble ... they bitch at each other about using the bathroom and everything else ‘cause they are cranky. If they had gotten up when I was singing they wouldn't be cranky, but whatever ...

Rush, Rush, Rush ...

Shove the breakfast I made (and yeah usually three different things – I'm an ass) in their faces, grab the lunches that I lovingly prepared and race to the car ...

On the way out the door I hear ...

"Mom, why didn't you wake us up earlieraaaaa?"

Honestly, open a vein now ....

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Not Funny!

OK, someone just told me I'M NOT 20 ANYMORE!  WHAT?  Is this TRUE?  Who else knew and didn't tell me?  Did you know?  Did you?

Oh sure, it was laced in a compliment ...
"You're doing great but you're not … (I can't say it again)"
   and then it gets worse … ready?
"But you should be proud of yourself for someone your age (MY AGE IS 20! ... I am screaming inside) ... STOP talking you evil, stupid person ... I do the only thing I can, I stick my tongue out at her, jam my fingers in my ears, hum really loud and rock back and forth. 

This is just NOT funny!  Did I fall down the rabbit hole? Johnny Depp here?  Hmm, if he is, then I might be OK and all will be forgiven.  Otherwise, what is wrong with all of you?  NOT TELLING ME … Reallyaaaa!

Aaarg! ... I gotta go Chat!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Facebook Addict

Yeah, it's true, I am a Facebook Addict ....

I know it and my family knows it, so it is okay for me to say it to you.  Hello, my name is Connie and.....

I stumbled into it completely by accident and entirely innocently. Wait, I think I did, I can't exactly remember but that is not the point.  It started when my High School reunion (like 15-20 year – something around there) was coming up. Someone, probably you Donj, enticed me. I entered and OMG! so many people were there, with PICTURES and comments and pretty, so, so fun.

I did not go to the reunion – I've had to change the plastic surgery time table thanks to the economy – so, no go for me but I needed to know every move these 17,000 people that I haven't seen or talked to in 30 years (oops!) were making – I can't explain it.

Then it progressed, there are days when it really doesn't matter what I am doing or what is happening around me, if someone has 785 pictures loaded, I have to see everyone of them THAT INSTANT! I admit I am not proud of that quirk (why do people have to post that many anyway – crapthey are trying to kill me too) but I am working on it.

Now, it is like a middle aged chick’s hangout.
But Holy crap, the first night I did chat.....honest to God – the next day I felt like I had bar hopped Bourbon Street . Serious ouch! I sat here chatting away with 4-5 peeps, laughing out loud, typing at the speed I didn't know I could and drinking wine – too much wine – in fact the only time I got off my fat ass that night was to get more wine or pee, but OH MAN it was the funnest (it is now).

I am PROUD to say that I have my CHATing somewhat under control and I swear....and please hold me to this...I will NEVER join in any FB games....EVER!!! ( I am also working on boundaries... BLTN)

But hey, let's face it, what is a girl to do? The teens are homeworking, texting and FBing (I see it), the pre-teen (adorable boy!) is flipping or gaming and the hub (hunky sports nut) is watching sports (I would rather clean than that), so I FB and chat.

They say admitting it is ….. whateveraaaaa! Friend Me – it's a verb now …