Thursday, April 29, 2010

Driving me to Drink

When I show property to a client, I am completely unavailable to the family and they know this. I always make all the necessary announcements and arrangements for my DAY away.

"Ok guys, I will be unavailable today from 1-4. If you need anything, call your dad, ok?"

I make a point to tell the hub, cause otherwise he wouldn't answer his phone when one of us calls. So this has to happen....via text. That's ok, as long as I get the promise that he will take any calls from the kids during the designated prob.

SO yesterday, I had a super long day driving all over the world with clients that I had never met...(they are actually about the nicest people ever, but I didn't know that then). At about hour 3.5....stressed about the next location and I have to admit a little off GPS for this gal, my phone rings....Bio. Hmmm. Must be an emergency... Better answer. Excuse myself, pull over and answer.

"Hi Honey."
"Where are youaaa?"
"Out with clients honey."
"But WHERE are you
"I think I am in Thousand Oaks." A little off track as I said.
"OMG...Arg!! I have a driving lesson in 10 minutes and my permit is in your car!!!!"
"What am I supposed to doaaaaa?"
"Call Dad."
"What good would that do? The permit is in your caraaaa? "

Trying really hard not to rip her a new one, 'cause my new clients might call Child Services while looking for a new realtor.

"Well maybe he could figure something out."
"That won't work and I can't cancel. They are gonna be here in like two minutesaaa!!!"

So what???? Please darling, stop believing I care about this.

"Well I am busy right now, so you can try to figure it our with dad or not."
"ARE you kidding me???" (I hear this alot lately and for the record..NO I AM NOT!!)

I really really really want to let her twist in the wind. Not sure why, just do. But only I will pay for it if I do so against my better judgement and offer more help. Call me, Mrs. Ass.

"OR you can find out if I can drop it off somewhere (this is risky, of course...cause I am way off track and I am with people that I don't really know.) or at their location. I think I am close to there."


Really, you did at the dinner table the other night when you made this appointment...but ok...

"Ok well maybe you can find it and let me know."
"GODaaaa ARG!!!"

Hangs up on me...Fine, maybe now I can get back to work.

ring ring

"Ok, they said you can bring it there....aaaaaaa!!" hhmm Found the number, did ya??
"Great, get the address and text it to me with the cross street."
"Maamm, I DON'T KNOW ITaaa" That is why I said get it.

Yep my turn..hang up.

I get the text....Weave my way around (while looking like an idiot) to the driving school, get there. I hop out of my car and tell my clients to feel absolutely free to steal it while I'm gone. Race in with the permit....this is so stupid.

Get in there is a guy in front of me ...crap... The woman (not young) behind the counter is chatting on the phone. ...As I recall from my last visit, she chats forever. The dude in front of me sensed my tension and told me to go ahead. Thanks nice dude.

I am waving the permit in her face...and she is Blah blah blahing away...

"Yeah I know..Well enjoy that and your birthday too...(she looks up) oh yeah I think she is standing in front of me right now." --- Oh, so you DO see me.


"Ok good luck Honey, bye."

She looks up and starts to talk....."Yes I am Lily's mom. Here is her permit. Thanks." Arg and her birthday is in three months.

After this really long day I come home to dinner ready on the table...thanks hub.
At the table, I replay the phone calls and the back and forth and Bio says..

"That is NOT WHAT I said..except maybe that last part." Ha gotcha.."maybe"
"What was I supposed to doaaa?"
"Call dad like I asked"
"What could he do the permit was in your car?"
"Well maybe he could have figured out a place to meet me and get your permit."--that you LEFT in my car..
"Right? You guys could have figured that out?"
They look at each other....cuties...


"No probably not..."

HONESTLY...drink please.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

This Little Light of Mine

You know when you set out to do something that will take forever and is very repetitive?
Like when for a fund raiser I volunteered to make one million gem studded candles to sell at a boutique......(Really, not sure why I did that...hhmmm?)

You start:
You get everything you need, all your supplies..
You might even spend a good amount of time planning out your supplies..
You organize them all on the work table in the order you're gonna use them..
You think about how it will best get done..
You think about how to make them turn out just right..

You start..
You grab the candle and start adding gems... You stand back and evaluate.
You turn the candle and add more... You stand back, evaluate.
You hold up the candle and add more... You stand back, evaluate.
And at every step you think about and often make changes to the gem application.
There are even points when you remove and replace gems.
You put it down and add more...You stand back and evaluate
You turn it upside down and add more... You stand back, evaluate.

Then you are done. You do the full evaluation. Perfect!
But it did take forever and you have 999,999 to go...

So then you start candle 2 and this time you evaluate ways to make the process go smoother.
Then candle 3 and this time you evaluate ways to make it go faster..
Then while looking at the pile left to go you evaluate ways to make it more bearable and efficient while keeping them beautiful ..

And it is for a while....

But then at some point you realize that you're not having any fun...
Then you attack the huge stack with a new attitude and make it ENJOYABLE and laugh!!

The you RE-evaluate the entire process and you decide:
These candles are full of beautiful gems and if they are not perfectly symmetrical and if the process takes a little longer and it has bumps along the way...WHO CARES!!!
They are gems and they were lovingly placed by me...
But if I am not having fun, it is not worth it...

To me this is what raising kids is like.
My candles are beautiful, full of gems that will shine on.....whether I enjoy the process or not!!!
I wanna laugh and laugh really hard.
I hope I didn't figure this out too late and I hope I can remember this everyday.

Maybe this is what the whole life journey is about....simply; beauty, love and laughter!!

Sorry, the sap just flowed outta me this morning..... hee hee...

Monday, April 26, 2010

Burning What???

I just spent a super fun weekend with my awesome brother Camp Chris in Ojai as a birthday gift. Ojai is a really cute, artsy remote-ish community not far from my abode. Camp Chris, has spent much time there both working (sign master of the universe) and playing (his BFF lives there) golfing and hanging.

My hub and I were treated to a lovely dinner, a spa treatment for me and a round of golf for deal ever....(My mom did great in the sibling department.)

We also attended a birthday party that we did NOT know started at 5:00 or that it was an Alice in Wonderland adult birthday party. We were late ...really late--8:30-- and WAY under dressed. OOpppss!! So by the time we got there the party was in full full over full swing.

Oh yeah to get there....We had to watch the odometer..cause the directions were.."go 5 miles out of town turn right, take the next first right and go 10.2 miles." This was critical, cause there was NOTHING on the road. OMG we were totally on Serial Killer Lane for 10.1 miles---bad directions. I was not comforted by Camp Chris's GF telling me that serial killers always look for these parties out in the middle of nowhere to come and kill everyone.

I buy this crap and DIDN'T like it!! So upon our late and under dressed arrival, I headed straight for the bar and some liquid comfort.

The conversation (with Alice, the Mad Hatter and others) was largely about some upcoming "Burning Man" thing. Huh??? I had NEVER heard of the Burning.... thing prior to this Serial Killer party.

OK you might already know this:
But it is a party--a WEEK long party in the middle of NOWHERE, where there is NOTHING..well dust and a huge wooden man that they BURN. No hotel rooms, no restaurants, no room service, no water, no BATHROOMS. You go there with everything you need cause if you forget something, you have to trade for it (or you are SOL) money allowed. It is in a.. IDK an abandoned "salt lick" or something where there are frequent dust storms.....And when they happened you have to wear goggles and a you don't get blinded or choke to death.

People, get naked, paint their bodies and walk around this dust bowl for a week. Sweat, paint, and dust all over my body???? WT Heck??? There is no part of this that I can even imagine as anything other than PURE HELL.

These people are not kids, these are adults (old my age). And they plan for it. They build cars that have couches and dance floors and hot tubs (That would get full of sweat, paint and dust. OMG gross!!!).

It was the major big topic of conversation at the Serial Killer party. A little into the evening, while chatting with all my new BF's, people were telling me (TELLING) that I wanted (WANTED) to go to Burning Dog and that I was gonna love (LOVE) it....


When I got home and told Bio about this horrible week of hell and all the gruesome details of things that take place there and that her uncle and his friends are attending this Burning Branch thing...she says..

"Burning MAN, maammm....duhhhh...OMG it is the best thing ever!!!
"Uncle Chris is sooooo cool. "

If I have to get sweaty and dirty for a week of Hell to be "cool" to Bio... I will REMAIN the dork forever...thank you very much!!!

Friday, April 23, 2010


Paraguay and Adorable 13 came flying down the stairs last night semi-late (for moi) about 8:30. Adorable 13 screeched, "Teeny (aka Paraguay/Tina ... she is so mini we renamed her ... I rename everyone, duh) ... WANTS to play a board game!"

What Paraguay wants Paraguay gets ... Bio hates this ... who can blame her? (Get over it!)

He is holding CLUE, ewww.. I hate that stupid game ... you move around the rooms and keep track of crap ... I think I liked it when my brain was still a functioning organ.

"Noooo not CLUE that is too boring (cover up for I am too old, tired and stupid right now to win that game ... don't play if you're not planning on winning ... that's my motto. Really!) Go get Pictionary." I love that game ... cause it is fast, no keeping track and everyone looks like an idiot when they play ...

"Pictionaryaaaaa?" Yep he is a teen now.

"ARG ... go get it"

Bio was excited cause she was gonna get to stretch her Gfriend muscle and kick her Bfriend's butt ... Bio's Boo has been around long enough to know ... whatever ... he's been around too long. (Wait, why was he here so late on a school night anyway??)

It depends on my partner and the state of my mind ... but if the world is in perfect harmony, I kick ass at the game. Until hub comes around (he never starts the game, hhmmm?) and kicks mine.

I seriously did NOT realize until the first pencil hit paper that Paraguay would be at a total disadvantage ... although she is quite the artist ... NOTE: the Ass Family portrait ...

But try to think of the word and mentally draw it in your first language ...
Translate the world then draw again in your second language ...
Really this would be very hard ...
I thought ... better go easy on sweet, gentle, disadvantaged Teeny ...

HA ... NOT!!!
OMG! that girl is fierce ...

Do not let the language barrier fool you ... she understands everything ...
Do not question her about who said it first ... she gets scary ...
Do not help her with ideas ... she needs no help ...

She got things like:
Butterfly ... from a drawing that looked like hot dog buns ... (not mine) ...
Cat and Mouse ... from a blob ...
Buffalo ... from my really bad whack drawing ... Ok it turns out that Buffalo is Buffalo in her espanol ... but still ...
She got, Underneath, come on, that's hard.

Bottom line ... DO NOT GO EASY on Paraguay. I was ready to throw the game if necessary (and man that goes against every fiber in my being) but FORGET THAT.

I guess it stands to reason that kids who at 16 can leave home, travel across the world, live with strangers (ME for God's sake), that speak a different language and then go to a foreign High School, (CRAP wasn't that scary enough at home?? Was for me ... ) would be above average in intellect and courage ... BUT man... never ever underestimate her ...

It took a few months, but I am on to her and her innocent act now ...

SO Paraguay ... Game ON!!

Hee hee ... not really. She is too cute. I think she needs a sick day.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Birthday Bliss

My birthday ... (like 42, what's it to ya?) was really amazing this year.
It was small, family only and super fun.

I have had parties:
Thrown by me ...
Thrown by others ...
Big parties ...
Small parties ...
Theme parties ...
Surprise parties ...
Dinner parties ...

But this birthday ... with a make shift party was the best ever ...

The kids were perfect angels to me starting with the Morning Ritual ...
The only fight I had that morning was with the Saran Wrap ... which I WON. (Thank God, that would be embarrassing to lose to plastic wrap. But it put up a good fight.)

They insisted I open one gift (forget about it on Christmas Eve ... they will try it, just wait).
It was a lovely spa basket with Lavender Bath salts, scented candles and squishy slippers. Awww ...
Oh yeah, Paraguay made me a picture of our Family. The Ass family. I am Smart, she is Kiss. See why we love her????

Next, I worked out with my FAVE teacher ... who - ha ha - put me on stage. I have been working out with this man (hunky stud dude) for five years or so and he has never ever attempted to put me up there (Bio sent him an early morning text telling what this special day was...cute). But he did, it was kinda fun and I didn't have a stroke. Promising ...

Came home. Took a spa bath with the candles ... Heaven

Spent several few hours doing real estate work (cause that's what I do). Also spent an extremely enjoyable hour reading the nicest FB messages ... Love FB!! Read the best text messages from my sibs, my nieces and nephews ... (love these kids like crazy). Had my mom read me "If you were born today"... an annual tradition ... and thanked her for giving birth to me ... She said it was fun ... Yeah ... like the eye lift???
[NOTE: the complete lack of housework. There was laundry to be folded. There were dishes to clean ... beds to be made ... NOPE, not gonna!]

Picked up the kids. Came home ...
Paraguay and Adorable 13 decided to bake. Bio had to..who knows, prepare for her PHD Thesis (or something equally important). So, I read and rested!!!

This is the best day EVER. Got up, took a shower (hair ... can't do hair in the tub, duh) ... Got all ready for dinner. Came down stairs and was told to go back up to my room for a while ... OKEE DOKEE!! Gladly.

Was summoned down a few minutes later and came in to see the cutest cupcake arrangement ever. Each one had a lit candle and each candle had a a piece of paper containing an adjective that describes why they LOVE me ... They LOVE me!!!!

So fricken cute. One even said "Dumb Ass" ... Adorable 13 ... my cutie. It was fun til "#1 Mom" and "#1 Host Mom" caught on fire. No worries, we got it out in time to save the house.

Next we opened cards. Super super sweet one from the hub ... hhhmmm? Adorable one from "All of us" and Bio's hand made card that told me she loves me "even when we are fighting" Awwwwww ... I love you too honey, even when I want to kill you. Really.

Opened more really thoughtful gifts and went out to dinner ...

The restaurant was offering wine for half price!!! At least that is what the hub told me. Alrighty this is gonna be the best year ever.

Came home and wrote wishes on awesome wish paper from Mom (love love love my Mom) and set them on fire ... you're supposed to ... and watched them take flight. SO my wish is out there in the Universe.

Then when they were all done showering me with love, we all went to bed.

my wish ... is that I can remember how loved I felt on this day every remaining day of my life ... shhhhh too sappy ...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Everybody Cracks

My hub is a very gentle, easy going guy. USUALLY.
I guess our estrogen and all that goes along with that hormone (bitchy, know-it all kinda stuff) pushed him over the edge that night.

Bio-teen did something, or said something or who knows, but I am sure it was bad.. it resulted in the hub taking her cell phone away in a fit. It was fairly late, so after the grab, he went upstairs to bed.....On his way huffin and puffin up the upstairs, I enter the picture. (Mistake number ONE)

"Maamm dad took my phone away and I really need ittttttttaaaa!" Sure ya do Honey.

Ok, I never, (almost never) side against the Gentle Giant, was late, I didn't want to deal with any of it and she needed itaaaaa........No really, I have no excuse..... I just did it.... I knew as I was doing it, this was a really bad idea......DON'T DO IT CONNIE please. No luck I did it......I asked him if she could have her phone back. (Mistake number TWO) He said no....huh?

OH CRAP, here it comes!!! Some explosion happened in me and all reason, logic and that stupid follow through thing you are supposed to do with kids DID NOT matter. She was gonna get that phone back if it killed me.

It went from bad to worse when I stomped up after him....(Mistake number THREE)
He, being able to turn us off, goes to bed....THIS MAKES IT WORSE!! (he so knows that)

I am now yapping at him to give me the phone and he is IGNORING me...(he definitely knows what this will do) I SNAP..."Give me the____ phone, please!" Manners always. (Mistake number FOUR)
Hub gets up out of bed, walks out onto our balcony and says...really sweetly, "You want the phone? (yeah that's why I asked, duh) Here..."

And I swear to God, he threw it off the balcony and into the deep end of the pool. The flippen DEEP end!!!
I had to go out side and look into the pool to believe it. YES HE DID!!
I laughed so hard I nearly (ha) peed. I GOT the phone back...YES I DID!!

When we took the phone in to get a replacement, I told them it had water damage from the pool.
"Oh really how did that happen? Was it an accident? Was it sitting on the edge of the pool? Were you cleaning the pool?" (again, huh clean?) Bio and look at each other and fell over.... I could have gone with any of those reasonable explainations, but no.. this was too funny to pass up. SO I told the truth....LMAO while recounting. (Mistake number FIVE)

"Hmmm" was pretty much his response. When it came to the insurance, he very calmly and dryly said to me "Ma'am you are no longer eligible for insurance."

Shoulda fibbed. But it was worth the laugh.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

A Little Bit of Confusion Goes a LONG Way..

Not sure how this happened...but me and Bio are home and the rest of the family is enjoying a nice drive and early dinner out on a beautiful Sunday.

I think it went something like this:

"Hey what should we do today? Let's do one of the things on Paraguay's Must See list! How about Venice?"
"Ummm I have homework."
"Ok, well how long do you think it will take?"
"I don't know??!!"
"Can you guesstimate?"
"Arrggg about three hours I guess..timate" -- Whoa no need to mock me.
"Ok then if you start now, you can be done by 1:00. We can go then. Walk around, sight see, shop and have a light dinner."
"No Maammm"
"Why not Precious Lovely Creation of mine?" probably not verbatim
"Because if I am gonna do homework TODAY, I want to spend the whole day doing it and get stuff done for later in the week." My my my, what a go getter
"Well that is really great honey, but could you do three hours now and some when we get home?"
"No Maamm I can't"
"Why not?"
"We should have done a family day yesterday and we DIDN'T. Today is Sunday" Yeah, so??
"So you don't want to try to go somewhere today because we didn't go on Saturday?"

So confused!!

...I am trying to recall yesterday, which seems likes months ago. What did we do? Was she bored all day and begging for rides that I refused? Did she want to do something with us and we said no? What didn't I do yesterday that has her punishing me today? hhhmm? I did read for a while....solo. I did nap for a while...solo...

OH YEAH... she went out to lunch with Paraguay and her BFF to her favorite fast food and then to the mall. Then she babysat..which she loves cause she loves to make money (that's my girl). WTF???

Well I am really confused now and to make matters worse the hub says lets go to Santa Barbara. I tell him we just did that a few weeks ago, but he is suddenly completely deaf... funny, NOT. So the entire clan..well not Adorable 13 or Paraguay..ok just Hub, Bio and me..ok just me and Bio.. are all pissed off and in separate rooms.

Next I hear the shower going. Then hub walks by dressed and smelling good and says "Let's Go"
"To Santa Barbara"....(Really???? No really?)
"We just went to Santa Barbara and I think it is a little late in the day for that trip." (Guess he can't hear me now either, cause no response...ARG!!!)

This pisses me off more but ok guess I will get ready to go...ARG.
Get in the shower, come out and they are gone. Yep left. I ask Bio if this is for real (cause I do spend a fair amount of time in the Twilight Zone)..Yep gone.

"Oh Mommy, I will call them and they will come back..They just left."
"So, just because they misunderstood you and left you are not gonna go?"
"They should have asked me again if I wanted to go" (They should have begged and pleaded with me, but I know that is completely theory)

So off they went. I am sure they are having a blast. Bio is doing her homework and she seems fine about it and she will most likely get the entire weeks work done....She's happy!!

Me I am NOT so happy and the foot I shot myself in hurts along with my pride. Thank God it is wine time....

Friday, April 16, 2010

Paranormal Activity

OMG, it must have rained in my room last night!! (hhmm...No evidence of it elsewhere)
Or, I had a REALLY high fever that came and went. (hhmm...I feel fine)
Or, Adorable 13 was testing his invention of a water throwing alarm clock...(cute, huh?)

SOMETHING happened.

At about the middle of the night, give or take......I woke up completely drenched. I mean soaking, dripping wet.

My ceiling fan that I insist is on turbo all night, every night (cause for some reason I am totally burning up at night lately).....did not make the matters any better. I was soaked and shivery freezing.

I had to get UP out of bed...this is an act that only happens under the most dire circumstances.... Seriously, I won't get up to do anything, even pee unless it is to the point that it will make a mess that I will have to clean up (done with those days...until the baby comes). But I had to get up, dry off my body and hair and put on dry jammies, before I could go back to bed.

STRANGE things are happening....???????

I am not sure what this is, but I will make it my life's work (or day's..???) to study these strange occurrences and get to the bottom of it... DON'T mess with my sleep..

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Watch It

Oh dear it might rain ... so ... every news cast has all of Southern California on "STORM WATCH." Seriously, when it even thinks about drizzling we all go on "STORM WATCH." Really, what the hell are we watching??? The RAIN? Why?

And please don't drive in the rain here if you can't deal. Oh man, it is a nightmare ... freeways here are tricky even on our 363 dry days ... my tips: avoid anywhere there might be a curve in the road or merging traffic -- somehow this is way too confusing. And for God's sake avoid spots where they have those huge lighted traffic signs that tell you the drive times ... HOLY CRAP, people here read slow and TRAFFIC stops.

Not only do they have to read the sign, but they have to calculate their arrival times. Then when they realize they have just stopped, creating another delay; if you look closely, you can actually see drivers re-calculate to allow for the new delay ... I am surprised heads don't explode.

But back to weather. About 10 or so years ago, Channel 7 was buying a cool new machine that was going to revolutionize the weather forecasting for Los Angeles (this is too funny). We heard about it for many months. Then they get the "Doppler 2000" ... huh? Doppler as in what they listened to my babies heartbeat with in utero??? They even advertised that it was going to cost "the station" a gazillion dollars -- cost my butt -- it just means more fricken commercials.

Then they got it ...

The Doppler 2000 ... wait for it ... get ready ... tells what the weather is doing outside "right now." Swear to God, I am NOT kidding. Really??? JUST GO THE FLIP OUTSIDE AND SEE WHAT THE WEATHER IS DOING ... RIGHT NOW!!! Better yet, give me the gazillion dollars and I'll stand outside and tell you what the weather is doing right now.

And they talk about the weather like it is a little kid that is about to do naughty things. It's CALIFORNIA people, the weather is the MOST predictable thing here. We have no weather!!!

Whoa wait, I'm not complaining about the weather, it's why I still live here, but really it's not worth "WATCHING" ... is it?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Vacations are Funny Things

I love love love (like beer) to go on vacation. Pretty much any vacation will do. But when we go to visit my sister extraordinaire at her beautiful water front FLA home, it is especially fabulous. She has it all there and we get to share it. Her home is nicer than the Ritz and the hospitality rocks all.

We had the fam plus one...(Paraguay of course). So it's fun plus one!!!

Since we have been to this destination many times, there is no rush or worry to get sight seeing in. It is strictly about relaxing and spending quality time with the family...

This vacation has it all.

There is fishing off the associations bait stocked private pier...(from which hub had a fall from grace...more later on that)...for Adorable Pre-Teen who turned 13 there so he will now be known as Adorable 13...Cutest.
He got to hop in the golf cart...DRIVE the total funnest at the pier and fish fish fish....Very Fun for boys...And the precious beast even fed us two meals with his spoils....CUTE and CLEVER!!

The girls got to take the other golf cart...(yeah she had two...she has everything...ARG...not jealous) to one of the pools or the beach and sun sun sun. Or of course they could go up to the "widows walk" and sun bath where only the birds could see them...if you know what I mean. Bikinis, sun and freedom; what more could teen girls ask for? NOT ONE THING.

Hub got to go with Adorable 13 and fish and got to hang and read read read...Of course he did have to make some "handy man" repairs for the sister. Seriously, there is not one capable handy man on that it was up to Macho Man...awe sweet. (What??? He likes it.)

I got to fix their breakfasts, fix their lunches, pick up after them and do their constant laundry. Got to make sure that they had sunscreen, water, personal hygiene products and medicine for the plane. Got to make sure that they took their homework with them and brought it back completed. Got to cart the Easter crap with me so the Easter Bunny wasn't a no-show (although the hostess with the mostess already had this covered). Got to figure out what they would do and eat on the plane (cause they don't flippin feed you anymore). Got to make sure the teens did the college visits while there (cause the boss of me said we had to..thanks). Got to make sure everyone got a souvenir. Got to...

I love vacations.

But honestly it was all heaven 'cause I got to hang with my sis in paradise...xo

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Air Travel

Airplanes used to be a different experience for me. Pre-kids as a professional traveling for business ... it was all business. Get my seat, a drink and food ... it was free then ... it was still crap, but it was free crap. Then read or work. Business, business, business. If I ever did need anything from a flight attendant (FA) they would fall over themselves to accommodated me. They are so nice to business travelers.

And I was always annoyed by the families not the babies (cause they can't help it and truth be told if their moms were good moms the babies wouldn't be crying ... pre-kid mentality ... HA). But the families taking up entire rows, with their million needs ... pillows, blankets, headsets ... calling the attendant for water before take off ... ARG!!! ... bugged me.

NOW ... well things are a little different.

I have never used the "call button" EVER and I don't like it when people do (unless you are going into anaphylactic shock, duh) ... but, I realized this trip I am totally scared to summon the FA.

My kids ... not so much.

CRAP! ...

"Maaamm Tina didn't get her headset." Bio says to me across the aisle.

"Ok, wait 'til the flight attendant comes back and ... "

'No, duh, we can just call her (cause I have never flown before) and ... "

She reaches up to the call button ...


Too late!

"Honey they are very busy you should just wait until they come back up the aisle."

"No they aren'taaaa. I was just back there and she is just reading a Star magazine. The one with Angelina and Brad and ... " who cares (I do, but now is not the time) ...

She's right, have you ever seen them doing anything else at the back of the plane these days? No. They don't bring you food anymore or do really anything else ... NO they are always catching up on the latest gossip ... LUCKY.

Either way ... they REALLY DON'T LIKE to get summoned by that deadly call button.

Oh crap here she comes. She reaches up over bio and turns off the call button and snarls down at my kid.

"Doooo you NEED something?" Oh nasty!

"Umm, yes please. Can my sister (cute, huh?) please get some headphones? ... she was sleeping when ... "

"I will see what I can do" and huffs off.


Big mistake.

It's on bitch ...

When the she devil comes back with Paraguay's headset, I lean over and say,

"Why thank you very much for taking time away from your rag mag to bring my kid these crappy disposable headphones that, by my calculations, cost you about 20 cents a piece and cost me about $80.00.

And further if, of course, I am not mistaken my purchase of 5 tickets that ran me about $3,000 (I used miles, but she doesn't know that ... ha ha) is paying for your salary.

And ... sorry to mention this, but in the beginning of this god awful trip in a tube ... in a seat my butt barely fits in ... I know that is not your fault, by the way (I'm not crazy, just mad), ... during that screechingly loud announcement that you make us all pay attention to, you said "If there is ANYTHING we can do to make your trip more enjoyable, please do NOT hesitate to ask."

Well, the headphones, a new improved helpful attitude and an apology to my daughter would greatly improve my enjoyment level...." NEVER EVER MESS WITH MY KID!!!!

"Her name is Lily. Lily (reaching across the aisle to the angel) this lovely lady has something she would like to say to you ... "

Got the apology and this ...

"Oh my God Maaammm what is the matter with you. You are so embarrassing ... reallyaaaaa." Eye roll and a huff.

The thanks I get.

Thankfully, my head bobbed and I woke up. PPheeww all a dream, I think!