Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Hi Ho Hi Ho...

So today I had to go to the "girl doctor" for my annual check up. I have always had male gyno's. Not sure why. It would be easier if I had a woman. But always men. A male Dr. delivered both my Bio babies. At least they have never been hunky dudes...well there was one that was a cutie. I don't think I even made it through that exam. If I did I never went back. There is something not right about a hunky male gyno.

I love my current gyno. For some reason I always tell him everything and he has now become my go-to doc for everything.

But Holy Crap, preparing for these appointments...MAN, what a production. I spend more time getting ready for the gyno than I do for .....nevermind.

It is a big deal. Don't be getting all judgeyyy on me. Think about what you do before you see the dentist. You brush your teeth while getting ready. You brush them again right before you leave the house and again the second you arrive at the office. YES, you do.

So this prep requires a bath, to soak and shave. Then it requires a shower to rinse off and wash the hair. Then dry, dry dry. Then deodorant. I don't know what it is but I could botox my underarms and the minute he comes near them for the underarm boob check (NO, my boobs are not in my have glands there that need to be felt!!!), I start sweating bullets. This does NOT hurt and it is far less invasive than everything else he is about to do to me, but really I really really react...

Then ya gotta get dressed and this is tricky cause you don't want to get hot or too cold before you go, but you want to wear as little as possible because they are gonna weigh you BEFORE you get naked. Why?

And WHY WHY WHY do they take your blood pressure AFTER they weigh you??? There is not a normal person on the planet that hasn't wondered this (right??). So why don't they re-order those fricken tests. Thankfully, I have always had low blood pressure, cause after that little trip on the scale, I am lucky I didn't have a heart attack. I am not kidding!!!

So he does all the other lovely, dignified parts of the exam and tells me all the little crap that is wrong and all the stupid little tests that he wants to run. And the other tests that I will now need cause I am so old..... ARG! YEAH yeah, ok. I do argue a little. But ultimately I don't care.

I tell him so and then I say, "Look all I want is for you to make me thinner and happier!" (Thinner would make me happier..BTW)

He says in his cute little Dr.-ie way, "I'm not a magician."
Ha Ha funny man.

I want what I want. And I am gonna get it. Gloves off....I start whining. (He asked for it.)

I do leave with all that I want.
But in exchange, I must promise to have all the fun filled test that he wants, including ONE that will surely rip away any last piece of dignity that I might have left.

Being a woman is so hard. Seriously, isn't creating and giving birth enough? Then you sustain life while your boobs fall off. Then... Dear God, that is an entirely separate Blog that will NEED to be blogged..But not today.

Whatever I don't care.....

Ahhhhh. I'll keep you posted. Maybe

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