Hi Ho Hi Ho...

So today I had to go to the "girl doctor" for my annual check up. I have always had male gyno's. Not sure why. It would be easier if I had a woman. But always men. A male Dr. delivered both my Bio babies. At least they have never been hunky dudes...well there was one that was a cutie. I don't think I even made it through that exam. If I did I never went back. There is something not right about a hunky male gyno.

I love my current gyno. For some reason I always tell him everything and he has now become my go-to doc for everything.

But Holy Crap, preparing for these appointments...MAN, what a production. I spend more time getting ready for the gyno than I do for .....nevermind.

It is a big deal. Don't be getting all judgeyyy on me. Think about what you do before you see the dentist. You brush your teeth while getting ready. You brush them again right before you leave the house and again the second you arrive at the office. YES, you do.

So this prep requires a bath, to soak and shave. Then it requires a shower to rinse off and wash the hair. Then dry, dry dry. Then deodorant. I don't know what it is but I could botox my underarms and the minute he comes near them for the underarm boob check (NO, my boobs are not in my armpits..you have glands there that need to be felt!!!), I start sweating bullets. This does NOT hurt and it is far less invasive than everything else he is about to do to me, but really I really really react...

Then ya gotta get dressed and this is tricky cause you don't want to get hot or too cold before you go, but you want to wear as little as possible because they are gonna weigh you BEFORE you get naked. Why?

And WHY WHY WHY do they take your blood pressure AFTER they weigh you??? There is not a normal person on the planet that hasn't wondered this (right??). So why don't they re-order those fricken tests. Thankfully, I have always had low blood pressure, cause after that little trip on the scale, I am lucky I didn't have a heart attack. I am not kidding!!!

So he does all the other lovely, dignified parts of the exam and tells me all the little crap that is wrong and all the stupid little tests that he wants to run. And the other tests that I will now need cause I am so old..... ARG! YEAH yeah, ok. I do argue a little. But ultimately I don't care.

I tell him so and then I say, "Look all I want is for you to make me thinner and happier!" (Thinner would make me happier..BTW)

He says in his cute little Dr.-ie way, "I'm not a magician."
Ha Ha funny man.

I want what I want. And I am gonna get it. Gloves off....I start whining. (He asked for it.)

I do leave with all that I want.
But in exchange, I must promise to have all the fun filled test that he wants, including ONE that will surely rip away any last piece of dignity that I might have left.

Being a woman is so hard. Seriously, isn't creating and giving birth enough? Then you sustain life while your boobs fall off. Then... Dear God, that is an entirely separate Blog that will NEED to be blogged..But not today.

Whatever I don't care.....

Ahhhhh. I'll keep you posted. Maybe

NOT Ms. Julia

So everyday I give Bio a drinkable yogurt to help her tummy. It does seem to work, but today I had none. So being the conscientious Mommy that I am, I decided to make her a smoothie.

I keep plenty of frozen fruit...like Mangoes and Pineapple. I also freeze my questionable bananas.

So the smoothie consisted of yogurt, frozen mangoes, juice and a frozen 'nanner.

I threw it all into my trusted blender (not really so trusted any more since it is nearly 20 years old). Poured it into the to go cup and decided I should taste it. I rarely taste them since this is a fairly frequent occurrence. I make a mean smoothie... BUT, I did taste it. Holy crap I nearly died. It tasted really hot...which is quite the trick since it is frozen and all fruit.

Crap, I spit it out and then freaked out. I couldn't figure it out. I checked the dates on the yogurt and the juice. All cool. Hmmmm???? It was still a mystery when I threw it down the sink, washed out my mouth a million times. My stomach started burning. What the Hellga???

I then looked in the freezer. How can frozen fruit be bad???? That bad???

I took out the baggie that held the frozen 'nanner and Dear God.....it was a Frozen HOT Italian Sausage!!!!! I fell over laughing while holding back the urge to puke. Am I that stupid? HOLD on...please don't answer that.

OMG.....I am not the best in the kitchen.....but this has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever done.

To add insult to injury (ego and tummy) I made sucko lunches for the kid-lettes.

Then for dinner, since Bio had been gone on a retreat for the weekend, I wanted to make my veggie kid a lovely cheesy, veggie lasagna. Hugely involved. Followed the recipe...that SUCKED too.

I guess it figures that if I make a sausage smoothie, it would be an "at your own risk" kinda day....

But, forget it I am so out of the kitchen forever....

Sorry Hub, but you're up.....

Bye Bye Holidays

The Christmas tree came down and that always fills me with sadness. Not sure why. SO many of my friends take it down as fast as possible and put all the decorations back in the attic. I have one friend who wakes up super early the day after Christmas so she can yank that shit down ASAP.

I wonder what that means??

Does it mean her memories of childhood holidays are unpleasant? Does it mean that she doesn't like the look of the decorations? Does it mean...Yeah I really don't care that much.

I keep that sucker and all the crap that goes along with the season up as long as possible. My tree always becomes a major fire hazard before I take it down. Part of it is I hate putting all the stuff away..(too much like cleaning). But mostly it makes me happy. It is pretty. The lighting is beautiful (ambiance above all else). It reminds of a happy occasion. I just love it. Then it goes and I am sad.

I would normally analyze the crap outta this, but I am not gonna. New leaf.

Christmas means something different to everyone and it changes as you grow.

For the kids, it's presents and family fun and great food. Then you HAVE kids...
For the parents it's watching the kids enjoy the presents, family and good food....and clean up.
For the dogs it's new toys and a yummy treat or two. Well, they are always just dogs...
For Gobble it was.."Oh is Santa the guy in the sky with the moose?" REALLY...so funny, I peed.

I don't know why we can't have it more than once a year. I guess I could since I am the cruise director of this ship...HA, well most of the time.

It is an exhausting and extremely expensive (wow lot of 'E' words), but way way way worth it.

Then it's New Years. Thank God, cause 2010 had to go. What a sucko year. New Years eve can be fun, but I really don't like it. Too much pressure and I hate pressure. This year however was a piece of cake cause I was basically alone with the dogs. Once again, I was reading a scary book about a serial killer that tortures and kills women that are home alone....I DON'T know what is wrong with me. I really don't.

But the boys went to Grandparents house. The Bio went out to party and I stayed home. It was actually ok. I decided that ringing in the new year quietly means that I am gonna have a lovely peaceful year.

RIGHT UNIVERSE??? Cause I am done playing with you!!! So knock it off and tell Publishers Clearing House that I need to win that Million $$$ a year for life.

Thank you...