Step One: Admitting it

You know what they say that the first step is to admit you have the problem. 

Here it is:
I am a Dental Phobic!  In the biggest saddest way.  I am the kind of patient that needs Valium just to go sit in the chair.  And I don't allow any instruments in my mouth without my inspection and approval. I'm not kidding
.
When I need work done I need Valium, Novocain (which is stupid and rarely works on me, much like my epidurals ((That's another Oprah)) and Nitrous.  I know this sounds ridiculous especially to the people who love to go the dentist - like the hub.
I get teary thinking about this, but I must go on if I'm gonna beat this thing.

So I needed some significant work done.  The kind that has to be done in stages, not all at once.  (CRUEL joke on me).
Stage one was awful and not worth going into.  The term bone grafting was used.  ARG!!
Stage two was supposed to take place when Bio was home so she could be with me.  She loves this crap and wanted to watch the "procedure"  Plus with her there the Dr. will crank the Nitrous and leave it cranked cause I have told him Bio would be responsible for my life.  (Maybe a little heavy on the responsibility for a third year nursing student...maybe)

Anyway somehow Stage two never happened when Bio was home.  I think procrastination was in the hood.
But being a big girl and really trying to cure myself I made the appointment.  Asked the hub to take the morning off to take me.  Called the Dr. to confirm the RX's would be called in and took some big girl breaths.

Tuesday morning came.  I took a  Valium (these stupid pills never work either!!).  Went to the office.  The hub came in the room with me.  I told him he just needed to hold my hand until - I'm not a big hand holder - the Novocain shots were administered.  "OK" the hub agrees.

The Dr. and Casey (asst) are moving around the room getting crap ready and I say,
"Wait!!!  Where is the Nitrous?"
Dr. asks,  "Casey can you go get the tank?"
The tank, that beautiful tank comes wheeling into the room and I feel a tiny glimmer of relief.
Then Dr. Evil and Cruel Casey exchange looks.  I think they are looks of concern.  NOT good!
Dr. Evil tells me I can only have Nitrous for the first 20 minutes or so.
WHAT???  WTF???  NO NO NO!!  He knows that the deal was; Nitrous the whole time.  I have spelled this out on numerous occasions.  And I was always crystal clear.
He tells me he can't really work with the nitrous.  BS, he has before and all dentists do.
I am steamed steamed steamed.
Bottom line it turns out the tanks (well the oxygen tank...which I guess you need with the nitrous) weren't full.  They tried to play it off, but I know.
Then they give me the nitrous and it isn't even on.  I KNOW when I am getting nitrous!
I bitch, he cranks.

Then the shots.  I don't really mind this part, but my nerves are shot and the stupid Valium has left my body. So, full body flex for the 20 minutes of shots. 
"All done with shots" the devil says to me
Super, who cares you are gonna kill me soon anyway.
Hub comes back into the doorway... cause, oh yeah he needed the facilities 20 minutes ago. (Curious?) And says to Casey, "Oh did you do my job?"  Yeah the Cruel assistant is holding my hand.  But who cares it doesn't help.  Whatever...hub high tails it to the waiting room.

SOOOO the procedure that requires drilling into my jaw bone continues.  This is not the same little weenie drill they use on a tooth it is like a jackhammer.  Full body flex for - I don't know hours.
Then I need a cute little procedure called a Sinus Lift.  It requires moving the sinus floor (a lovely bone floor) up. I need this in two places.
I know its coming (BECAUSE I have NO Nitrous) and I am trying so so hard to be the big girl.

And then DR. Evil Devil says to Cruel and Unusual Casey.....
"Casey hand me the mallet"
HOLY Hell he said MALLET!!!!!
Moving the sinus up requires a mallet , an actual mallet and many many mallet whacks.  Times 2.

This little episode can NOT be properly described, nor should it.  Like childbirth.  Some pain you should never know until you absolutely must.

Killer Casey said to me "'You will probably have a head ache today"
I look up at her and if I could have stung her with my eyes I would have.  You think??  After that bastard has taken a mallet and slammed my sinus floor up into my brain with a thousand whacks that it might give me a head ache????????

There was more after the sinus fun, but this is all I can take right now.
 
But the kicker is that after it was over and I was coming out of the rest room (three hours, I needed to pee) Dr. Lucifer says to me "I did a good job"  Meaning HIM!!! 
Dear God help me!!
You can well imagine what I said to him!
SOB!!!!
This stupid story is to be continued because there are still more stages of fun to be had.  Yippee.

I do have a bruise on my face. I am sure I could have some fun with that...

But really I don't feel any better after the admission.  Maybe I did wrong.  Thoughts?

Cry Baby!!!

I am not sure what the heck (WTF) is going on, but my eyes keep tearing or maybe sweating (everything else on me sweats these days ARG!).  Ok I know its not sweat but everything and I mean EVERYTHING is making me - at least weep - if not all out bawl.

Those that know me know that I am a pretty big cry baby.  Hallmark commercials... you know the type.  But not only am I crying when watching Undercover Boss but lately its out of control.  Like a new girl in my kickboxing class had a hard time following the moves, it made me TEARY!! And the kicker, (like that's not enough, oh and a pun) I don't know why.  Was I sad for her? Was I mad cause she made me miss a beat or two?  I honestly don't know.  A friend at work was telling me about her daughters bladder infection...cry cry cry.   AND don't even ask me about the woman on the plane who just said her goodbyes to her mother.  (Should not have even said that!!)

This morning while making Adorable's lunch (NOT a word!  I will address this later!), the brown bag made me cry.  It took me a second  but then I got it.  Will this be the last package of brown bags I buy?  I have adjusted to only making one lunch but NO lunches?  I am crying now.

It's as if I can see time flying away.  Just flying!
 
Is it worse because of some unmentionable physical changes happening to me?  Is it just the stage in my life?  Is it that the children that have been my life for so long are leaving me?  Is it a combo?  Just trying to think about these questions is too much.

I can't just keep crying my way through the days.  I can't really negotiate a real estate deal while weeping.  Adorable can't have his mom shedding tears at every drop off  (NOT one syllable!)  And the hub, well never mind!

So last night we had Chinese food and I was hoping my fortune cookie would offer me some insight.  I carefully (and psychically) selected my cookie.  I opened it and the fortune I pulled out was really thick.  I thought this is a sign, I have never had multiple fortunes form one cookie. There were FIVE fortunes. THANK God the answer was on the way!!

They all had the same fortune:

"Struggle (yep Struggle) as hard as you can for whatever you believe in." With stupid smiley faces.

Really ???? 

What do I believe in anyway?
Kleenex maybe?

This used to be...

 the happiest time of the year.  Kids back in school and order restored in the household.
But alas it doesn't feel the same as it has for the last million years.  Actually it has been morphing into other emotions over the past few years.
Bio is off to conquer year three of college and Adorable is tackling year three of high school.
He comes home everyday still and Bio comes home every few months and still considers this her home.  BUT the tides are a changing and I'm not sure I like it.
It's super fab to have grown and nearly grown children.  They offer such great things as people.  Our relationships have developed into beautiful things.  I really really like that.  You know things like reasonable conversations, actually empathy for me at times and true participation in the house and family.  And again BUT, I feel the end is so near and it makes we weepy.
What will happen when they are both gone?  I have work and friends and other interests...BUT what will happen when they don't come home everyday or every few months.  My life for so long has been largely defined by being a mother a nurturer and everything for my babes.  Gladly, always gladly (lie) have I been and done that, BUT what next?
I could try to sabotage Adorable's college path or somehow thwart Bio's future, BUT I can't do that their future happiness matters too much to me.
This change as all change in life will be uncomfortable and burn in me.  And I will have absolutely no choice but to go with it.  I know I will live through it but being older (slightly) one just really knows the truth about what it will take to get through it.  Like labor.  You know after the first time that you will make it out the other side but you also know HOW bad it hurts. 
I can't find anyway to make this feel better right now, so I am gonna go see my MOMMY!!!

ps... Maybe I just saw the light and maybe not!

BACK in the Saddle

It's been so long since I have blogged that when I read old Blog Posts about my fam and home situation, I get confused.
Bio, is now off at college and she has become Adorable
and Adorable is a big huge teenager and he has become Bio.
Who's who????
This will take a bit to ponder before I discuss them with appropriate names.  Until then the orignal moniker's will stand.

An update:
Bio is finishing her second year at college in ILLINOIS!!!!!!  Her objective was to get as far away form me as possible but still be close to some family.  Sis Extraordinaire (She never changes but I think I will now call her Sis Ex ... yeah that's totes better) and fam live there.
She was originally going into medicine...plastic surgery (which I was excited about for obvious reasons!!!) but she has decided to become a nurse practionaire instead.  I am totally down with that because it requires less school (less school = less $$$) AND she can diagnose and perscribe...ahhh AND she is going into dermotology....Can you spell BOTOX???? (and more).
She is really happy, doing well and she loves the mid-west folks!  Who wouldn't?  When she comes home, she actually wants to spend time with me, (she likes me-really likes me) and she helps around the house.  I die of shock each time.  Although truth be told, it only starts out that way.....it trickles off pretty fast.  But all in all its great and she's great!

Adorable is finishing his second year of high school.  When he is with me I am lucky to get a grunt for an answer, unless of course he needs something.  He grows taller every time he enters the room.  He needs new clothes or shoes every second.  He went from Adorable to Full blown/grown man in a millisecond.  (Hmm I feel a new moniker on it's way.)   But all in all he is still not the run for my money that Bio was.
Teenaged boys are so many things but this one never stinks, can now reach things and fix things when the hub's away and he is SOOOOO fricken funny.  My Mother's day card is a little tiny glimpse into this Adorable's sense of humor.

Funny One

So, I am back in the BLOG.

But now I think I need to go back to my emails and find out why there is an email from ME to ME telling ME that I have erectile dysfunction.  You see the difficulties here????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

Back in the Blog

(Old Post)

Summer Reading List::


I love to read and  I love to stay in the know.  I read the Harry Potter books.  I tried to read the Twilight books.  Just read the Hunger Games trilogy.... I really dug those.  I hope for more sometime.
I always try to get my books from the library when possible.  I live in a tiny town and the library is pretty tiny too (and it is attached to out 1100 student High School...smaller than my graduating class).  So when I hear of a book I want I go in and either check out the book or get on the waiting list if necessary.
So I heard about these books with varying shades of Grey.  I was hearing about this trilogy from everyone from my daughter to Oprah (she didn't like personally call me or anything).  After all the hubbub I decided to check into it.  Went into the Googler (as the hub calls it) and found out.
WOW it is total EROTICA and it was being openly talked about.  Well this I just had to get in on.
I go traipsing over to the tiny library and find that it is checked out.  No biggie!!! --- I would just get on the waiting list, which is never more than two people long.  There just aren't that many readers or library uses in my tiny town.
I walk up to the librarian and ask about Fifty Shades of Grey.....
"It's out would you like to be put on the waiting list?" 
Duh.  For some reason you always think librarians are smart.
"Yes, please"
"Ok well there are..(pause, as she is looking it up).. 5-6 people ahead of you"
"Five or six?" I ask
"No 56"
OMG, in my sleepy little town the housewives are steppin out.
This is so funny to me that I nearly scream with laughter...."Really 56 people in Oak Park are on the waiting list?????" 
This was not a genuine question for the lib-lady, I am doubled over walking out of the library.
I get to my car and I am kind of making fun (in my head) of the 56 women in my community that can't wait to get their hands on this outed erotica.  Seems funny and a little pitiful.  Mostly funny.
The pitiful part was that my next stop as if on autopilot was Costco to buy my own copy.......
Yeah, I know.

Yours, Mine and Yours

I really don't get it!!!

I do all (most of ..99%) the grocery shopping. And when I do:
---I buy food for the whole family--- NOT just my own food. It is for all to enjoy. Whatever is mine is theirs!!
I do much of the cooking (not the best of) . And when I do:
---I cook for the whole family--- Even when it means different meals for different family members.
I do all of the laundry and fold every ones clothes with the most loving care. And Holy Crap can I fold!!!.
--- In fact the other members get their clothes, beautifully folded, separated by person, type, and EVEN color. YES, I do. My clothes get basic folding. That's ok with me as long as my boys (BIO, please come home!!) are happy and look good. Really

I do the social planning for the entire family. I have parties, plan outings, vacations, etc. I decorate the house for every possible season/holiday, so that there is always a festive air in the home.

I buy all of the families necessities. No need goes unattended. I would still be buying them clothes, but the teens now think I am a dork clothes buyer. (Fine with me, btw)


NOW......... Here is the confusing part;


On the few occasions when someone in the house, goes to the grocery store and buys something, it is THEIRS... ONLY theirs. If I try to share; I get a flat out bitch fest from Adorable (not so lately), or a hmmppff grunt from the hub. What's theirs is clearly just theirs.


All the laundry that I DO sits on the guest bed in the downstairs bedroom until each member takes theirs upstairs. NOW remember I do all the laundry. When I ask them to carry my little pile up WHILE they are taking their own up, I get super huffing....


The other Sunday morning after finishing our various chores, the hub comes into the kitchen and started making breakfast (he is a really good cook and makes a kick ass breakfast). I said "Are you making breakfast for everyone?" and I swear he answered me with , "Well, Alex already ate."

HUH????

wait for it.... wait for it... wait for it.... I DID. Finally. "Oh did you eat?"


Forget it!!!!

Steamed!!!

I am suing the AARP!!!!

I am outraged that they started stalking me at the moment I turned .. ? ... no where near Senior/Retired age.

This whole Internet advertising/stalking thing is not only scary, it's pissing me off.
Google
Yahoo
Even you, Blogspot. You are not exempt here. You send me crap about stuff I may or may NOT be referring to in my posts.

For the record (I bet They won't read this part) .....
I am NOT single. I am not looking for single men my age in my area. (Yep, They know where I live and sorta know, kinda...close-ish, my age).
I am NOT ready for AARP
and
I AM NOT IN MENOPAUSE!!!!!

For the love of God, please quit. Because if you don't quit, I'm gonna....DO Something VERY radical..


When I figure out what that might be.

It's Complicated

I got out of bed this morning, brushed my teeth and went back to make my bed... (hee hee)
Like every other day, I just look at it and think it is too big a job for this early in the day.
TODAY, I figured out why.
Sleeping is hard work for me these days and requires mucho accouterments.
Let's see, there is the fan that blasts on my face sitting on the dresser.
There is the ceiling fan at full blast as well.
THEN, the bed...
There is the heating pad that is on low -all night- every night- to try to ease my lower back.
There is the special Tempurpedic pillow to help the arthritis in my neck....
This is sometimes covered by yet another pillow when I wake up and read in the night... NOW when that happens I wake later with a neck ache and have to remove the extra pillow...
VERY Disruptive.
There is also the little-ish pillow that has to be between my knees when laying on my left side OR big knee pain the next day.
And then there is the body pillow. This large puff provides all kinds of therapeutic benefits. Not really, I just use it to drape half my body over when I am sleeping on the Other side.
Those are just the players..
Then there is the condition of the actual bed and sheets.
When I move at night it takes all kinds of re-adjusting and .. because there is clearly a ventilation problem in my room, I get hot then cold then hot then, ....you get the idea. So the sheets and blankie look like they were the survivors of a tornado.
I am completely exhausted just thinking about it.
No wonder I am not refreshed when I wake up and
I THINK this might be why I have been having dreams that are so scary that I have to make myself become fully awake to shake them off.
Does this have anything to do with age?
NAHHhhhhhh

Oh Where Oh Where....

I have recently been turned on to Kosher salt. I love salt and the coarse salt is genius. (So is Words With Friends, btw). So in addition to using it in recipes, I now have a little tiny bowl of this Godlike creation to sprinkle randomly on food. I keep it where I keep my salt and pepper shakers. next to my stove, out of the way, yet handy for cooking.
The other day when I wanted a little pinch to put on something.... IDK maybe it was my cereal. JK, I am not that nutty....ANYWAY,
The little tiny bowl was gone. WHAT?
Since I seem to lose everything these days, I look around, figuring I misplaced it. Look Look Look. Nope it is gone and the tiny little bowl is in the dishwasher. Hhmmmm???
The hub comes into the kitchen and I so sweetly ask him about it.
He put it back in the box in the pantry, cause that is "where it belongs".
"But I like to use little pinches of it."
This confused the poor man. He did the head tilt like the dog. HUH??
Again, so sweetly "Please just leave it out for me." I have to go on to say that it is fine. It doesn't take up much room, the ants don't want it. It is FINE.
I replace the little tiny bowl of yumminess and put a note under it that reads: "Do Not Remove."
You know, just to be clear. xoxo
SO, this morning while preparing a marinade (God, I AM Wonder Woman), I pull out the Cuisinart and start with the first two ingredients. Garlic and salt. (I am thinking at this point that the coarse salt is a clever move on my part.) I crush the million cloves into machine and go for the salt.
OMG!!! The little tiny bowl is missing. The note is still there, but not the tiny little bowl.
I AM PISSED. Ok well maybe it was a joke. I whip out my cell phone (that I still can't properly use) and text the Hub.
"WHERE IS THE SALT?" No smiley face, no xoxo. I just want the F-ing salt.
I go to the pantry get the box, bring it back to the Cuisinart, am about to measure the salt. Reach down for the measuring spoon and HOLY CRAP.... the little tiny bowl was right there next to the machine JUST waiting for me.
What the helga is going on here. It didn't just appear there. The only other member of the fam that was home, was Adorable and he was upstairs preparing for school. REALLY???
I had to take a moment and collect myself. Breath breath.
I PUT IT THERE!!! I am seriously concerned about my sanity.
BUT the worst part? I have to apologize to the Hub.
CRAP!!

CUTEST THING EVER

There are so many things happening that I really can't even process them all yet....

SO, instead I will share the thing that brings me back to center when the world is spinning out of control.

My newest baby:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBFdmDxrPag&feature=email

Forget it

Again Paranormal stuff is happening here.

It has been hot here, but normally at night I still sleep with jammies (sometimes a hood is required), covers and a heating pad. Sheees I sound like a cat.

Anyhoooo the last few nights, I have had the air on, my ceiling fan on high and a second fan blasting on my face while I sleep. AND STILL hot.

I am waking up not refreshed, hot and super starving. Really hungry. Like burning tummy hungry.

There are other mysteries too. Like memory stuff. I can't even remember what I was gonna tell you that I forgot. It'll come to me...probably in the middle of the hot night.

I have often been forgetful when there is a lot on my mind. You know, like when you are really busy at work and you get up from your desk and start walking, then completely forget why you got up? Everyone does that occasionally, right?

Well that is not the type of forgetfulness I am talking about. BUT I still can't remember the TYPE I am talking about.

Oh yeah, I think I got it.

The other day while preparing for a dinner party (which was lovely), I opened the fridge, remembered (yeah me) that I needed some room temperature butter.
Pheww, plenty of time for it to get to room temp. I needed my butter dish...
I looked everywhere even where it normally is. You know it is never where it normally is, so I guess that is not really it's normal spot. Whatever

Look look look....It was where it normally is (or isn't) and I missed it the first three times I looked. No worries I got it. THEN:
I couldn't find the stick of butter I had taken out. REALLY, I lost it in my kitchen and the ONE place it for sure WASN'T was in the fridge. I looked everywhere. How could I lose a stick of butter and what if it was somewhere hot? I think almost everywhere was hot since it was a million degrees out.
I finally had to quit looking and try very hard to convince myself that I am not really going crazy.
I went on about my not-so-merry way and continued cleaning and prepping the dinner. When I went to the drawer that holds my hot pads... I FOUND THE ROGUE STICK O' BUTTER!!!!
In the fricken drawer.
As I am seriously questioning my sanity, I over hear on my TV a movie trailer about some alien sucking memory out of human brains!!! Oh thank God. It is not my fault.

But where are those pesky aliens hanging out?

Wait..... what was I saying????

"You Make My Dreams Come True"

High School graduations in Southern California are not something I have ever looked forward to. They are usually crowded, hot, boring and long. They seem to last forever.

I could not escape the Oak Park High School graduation this year of my oldest child. That would not have been right.

This one though, bias aside, was remarkable. And here's why:

The new principle rocks and it shows the minute he hits the stage. He is very bright, open minded, has kids in our schools and he has a lovely accent. Somehow, even his spewing of all the school and student statistics was engaging. Our guests were actually listening with rapt interest. (Admittedly the school stats are fairly astonishing, but still.)
The student speeches were entertaining and some moving. At one point I think almost the entire audience had a teary eye.
The view from the stands of the football field is like a postcard.
AND...
The Flash Mob was completely unexpected and beyond words. I have chills just thinking about. There was not one parent there that will ever listen to "You Make My Dreams Come True", by Hall and Oates without replaying that scene over in their mind. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zflhizEI-0o

BUT the thing that made it most remarkable, was what my brother said to me after the ceremony. His children are older and he has been through three graduations.

He said, "I knew that you really researched Oak Park before you moved way out here. I knew the schools must be good, the area must be safe...But WOW, now I really understand why you live in this off-the-beaten-path paradise. This was the most amazing graduation I have ever attended."

Yes, parents, we knew the same school stats. We knew the crime rates. We knew that someone would always have an eye on our kids (cause everybody knows everyBODY in Oak Park). We all moved out here for the kids. But after that spectacular event and hearing it from an outsider,
I KNOW WE DID THE RIGHT THING!!!

Ahhhhh.... one down one to go.

Summer of FUN --- Part ONE

I had a major birthday recently (40) and I got many fun outings. A lovely Country Club lunch, a few cocktails, and a few birthday dinners. Forty's not looking so bad.

I have also been with Camp Chris a lot lately. And that is super fun for me. There is something unmatchable about spending time with your sib who is only 14 months younger. It think it gets it's magic from growing up together, being so close in age and mostly really liking each other. I really really dig my sibs..again thank you Mom.

Camp Chris came up and took me out to dinner the Monday before my b'day. That was followed by Easter weekend and then he was in my hood for work early the following week and spent two days hangin with me. We had a rip roaring ball. Dinner and drinks at a new place where he did the sign and a some fun shopping. The next day, we decided that I should continue the celebration and have a birthday week. No, birthday month. Nahhh.... a summer of fun. Perfect. I have no intention of stopping the fun anytime before September. REALLY.

The day after started with some greasy but gluten free breakfast then we decided to go look at some vacant homes. I think he should buy property so that is what we did. The cool thing about CC is that no matter what we are doing, he is fully engaged. That is such a wonderful quality. It always feels like he wants to be there. He better want to be with me or I will beat him up.

So in between the viewing and in line with the birthday month, we decided to have a (again) not so healthy meal. The deli was yum. Then we decide to see another vacant home.

We get there and we look around. Only inside though cause the back doors (a million doors) were all locked and there were no keys for them. No biggie we saw the yard from the windows. Somewhere about the second or perhaps master bedroom my stomach starts to go whacko. Too much fun I guess.

We are nearly done, so again no biggie we will dash back to my house. As I am about to lock the front door CC says "Wait I am gonna go use the bathroom."

"Ok no biggie." I was relieved cause I was gonna go too.

He uses the first floor potty and by this point my tummy is gonna explode. I run upstairs and go into the hall bath. CRAP no toilet paper. Tummy is super angry. Run to the master bath. Phew there is paper. But the door does not provide enough privacy. Grab the roll and run to the hall bath. Shut and lock the door, put up the toilet seat and see yellow water. Then it hits me...

The water is OFF. Which means no flushing. CRAP CRAP CRAP....

Run downstairs and yell to CC through the door. He yells back..

"Oh S---!" yep

He tries to flush.. NOPE.

In the meantime, I am in pain and jumping around.

He came out and said the was gonna go see if he could find something to fix the situation. I am not very handy and I have no idea what he is thinking. I can only think about my tummy situation at this point.

CC heads off into the garage. In an effort to forget about my situation, I start looking around the house again. CC is taking way too long. So I open the door to the garage and he is not there. I call to him, no answer. Where did he go??

Too preoccupied to ponder.

Walk around the house some more. Then I get a text from CC...
"I am stuck in the garage..(smiley face)."
Ok, I go to let him in. Open the door, he is not there. Call to him again, no answer. What the Helga????
I am pretty sure he is in the backyard, but I can't get there. I look through the windows but I don't see him.
Then I hear him calling me. I don't know where it is coming from until he screams... "I AM IN THE GARAGE!"
I swear to God I go to the garage again and he is NOT there. SO I go back in. Hear him again. He says "the garage!!"
I go back, he is not there. I am not leaving this time. I stand in the open doorway and shout to him. He comes plowing through the exterior garage door. He is holding a gallon of something blue. Windshield wiper fluid...?? Again, not handy...Don't know..don't care.

He goes to the bathroom, closes the door, makes a racket, comes out and says, "Let's get outta here!"...
Yes please cause I am about to die.

We leave, I lock the door. I put the key back in the lockbox and am about to floor it to the car. I stop dead in my tracks. CC looks at me funny.

The lockbox is electronic and it shows the agents info that unlocks the door....
YEP, they are gonna know it is me. This house is listed by the two biggest agents in my area and they are not very nice. CRAP!!

I swear... I decided that the second my tummy was better I would call the agents. This is a customary courtesy. I am courteous ALWAYS!!
Ring ring. Blah blah..I am me and I showed your blah blah listing and "Yes the house is nice, but the toilet was used and not flushed. You should get the water back on and take care of that."
So nice of me.

What it is true???

Whatever...

We had an awesome time with the Sis Extraordinaire in beautiful FLA.

Boys did the fish fish and more fishing thing. Adorable could spend the rest of his eternity doing nothing else. The Hub, bless his heart, does it for the Adorable. Hub's blessed heart's not really in it.

Bio, Sis Ex, the Fredster (black lab) and I just hung hung hung out. Me, a little more then them. Thou, Fredster..well a little belly action there. (He can't read)

We had the best time and my skin issue is nearly gone. I think that Sis and Mom's diagnosis of de-stress and get sun and saltwater (thanks Mom) cured me. It is not a for sure though, cause I am also on Gluten free and a crap load of vitamins....well not that many, but weird ones. Like Milk Thistle and Corcumin..since you asked.

Anyway, don't really care what did it. I am feeling so much less like a Leper that my life is really improving. Also, I think Spring time helps. Maybe I have that SAD thing...Seasonal Affect Disorder. (hate the word disorder and is it affect/effect??)

Whatever..... I will get to the bottom of it some day. I am JUST happy to know that it is not the M-WORD. So pheewww on those who have had the unbelievable audacity to suggest such perverseness to me.

Coming home from the Eastern Time zone is always good, cause you have no trouble waking up early. And I like early, when no one is up. Peaceful.

Since we had thirteen thousand delays we got home two days before our bags. Whatever. No biggie. I got to go to work wearing something just a notch above pj's and have a valid excuse. It was comfy. But the next day, I had a real appointment that required professional attire so thankfully the bags were here.....Wait, I don't think I even wore anything from the suitcase. Whatever.

With the body clock not yet reset, I was up super early. Made lunches did the kid thing and decided I could get work-ready before driving them, go directly to my office and get some work done pre-appointment. I was loving this...

Get the kids off and am driving to work...Icky traffic in my Mayberry town at this time of day...but Whatever....I am early and I am de-stressed....ahhhh relax. Stop and Go traffic...Whatever...relax.. I still will get an hour of work in before my meeting...ahhh.

Then evidently there was some accident or some other stupid hold up and it took about 15 minutes to get to the next light. No problem still will have 45 minutes. Another 10 to get to the next light. No problem, I can at least go through my mail when I get in.

At this stop light I look down at my feet and see that I am wearing two different shoes!!!! Yea I really am that stupid. I was trying to decide which pair I liked better and since the fam couldn't decide unanimously I decided to walk around and think about it.

I forgot I was thinking about it I guess..... Race home, get the missing shoes..both, cause I am still undecided and now that I am flustered this is NO time to be making critical decisions like that. Race race race...ARG!!! Ya know those kids better learn how to make decisions for me before ....I don't even know. The only thing I DO know is that this was their fault!!!!

Whatever........ I think the skin condition is starting to come back...

The Answer...

After seriously researching and investigating, I have concluded that...WAIT wait; I have to tell the truth- 30 minutes on Google. What?
I have concluded that Bio and I are Gluten Intolerant. I am sure that I have finally discovered what is causing all my symptoms. The pregnant-like belly, the skin issues that are gonna make me raw and bald (why do we need hair anyway? we should all be bald...just saying), the aches and pains in my joints, etc. It is not age, weight or even the M-word. It's NOT. I am so sure that this is the answer, that I started us on a Gluten free diet.
Bio's got her various symptoms, but enough about her already.
I am waiting until I need to do the Big grocery shop to supply the kitchen with all we will need to be Gluten free. In the meantime I am using all my acquired knowledge and using all the existing food in the house to hold us over. Not like we are gonna starve, right?
SO this morning, while trying to figure out what she can eat for breakfast (she needs a nutritious breakie cause she has a big test today), I decide I will make us scrambled eggs. GOOD.
As my mornings normally go, I only have two eggs left. Oh well, I decide I will add a little more milk and this will be sufficient for the two of us.
Get the eggs, milk and the bowl. Go to the sink to dump the cracked egg shells. Crack the first egg open...RIGHT into the sink..NOT the bowl. CRAP, one egg down. But this stops me in my tracks because I am such a moron that I must laugh at myself until I pee.
Bio who (damn it) witnesses this, says "Did you just crack that into the drain? Crazy lady!"
Shut your trap offspring, before I crack the next one over your head of wet hair!!! You wanna see crazy?
Whatevs, there is enough for her breakfast. Which I lovingly go about finishing. Test day after all!
While laboring over the hot stove, I so politely ask Bio to feed the dogs.
"I can't I am wearing socks."
NOT kidding. Is she really unable to feed the dogs because there are socks on her feet???
Dear God, what the hell is happening here? I have to wonder if this is related to Gluten somehow. GOOGLE me....
Since I am now questioning my sanity, I don't push this. I will feed them myself after I drop the kids off at school...Which is BTW about two blocks away. Yeah I see it too...looking crazy now.
Go about the rest of the morning crap. Lunches, teeth, blah blah. Then Bio asks me if I filled out..I don't know something really important for school.
I don't answer her. She asks again, this time adding "aaaaa, crazy lady???"
Still don't answer...She whines at me again.
I turn to her, smile my I love you smile and say to the precious love, "I can't answer you now because I am wearing socks."
Bite me......

This Just In

It is a fairly well known fact that Realtors don't change their picture/head shots very often. It is not uncommon for a Realtor to have a 20 year old picture. This doesn't cause any problems and it is just the way it IS!!! BUT, my head shot was taken only 7 years ago. True that was a few pounds ago and about an eon of stress ago (teenagers)....BUT only 7 years.

The other day while in my office, I was sitting at my desk with one of our marketing people and she looks up to the picture of me I have hanging up...(it is there to remind me that I am in fact a "smiling Realtor") and she says to me.."I have been meaning to talk to you about your head shot."

Ok I am thinking here comes the compliment. Heck it is a great shot...should be it cost me $500.
But OH no. She says "You really need to get a new picture."
HUH????? Brace yourself...It can't be bad, can it?
"This picture doesn't look anything like you. You need a new one."

OMG. I hate her. What the hell?? Why?? It is me and it looks like me. Well some part of me.
I used to like this woman. I used to think she was our marketing genius. How wrong I was. Never using her again.

So the real news that the results are in....
The Gyno's office called me and I am after all NOT pregnant. The ultrasound tech also called me to tell me that there is nothing going on inside of me. The poor dear was taken slightly aback when I yelled at her... "So are you telling me there is NOT a 20 pound tumor inside me?" She really really didn't know what to say. She tested me with a tiny chuckle. WRONGO bucko, this is not funny.

I guess I go back to the drawing board. ARG

Hi Ho Hi Ho...

So today I had to go to the "girl doctor" for my annual check up. I have always had male gyno's. Not sure why. It would be easier if I had a woman. But always men. A male Dr. delivered both my Bio babies. At least they have never been hunky dudes...well there was one that was a cutie. I don't think I even made it through that exam. If I did I never went back. There is something not right about a hunky male gyno.

I love my current gyno. For some reason I always tell him everything and he has now become my go-to doc for everything.

But Holy Crap, preparing for these appointments...MAN, what a production. I spend more time getting ready for the gyno than I do for .....nevermind.

It is a big deal. Don't be getting all judgeyyy on me. Think about what you do before you see the dentist. You brush your teeth while getting ready. You brush them again right before you leave the house and again the second you arrive at the office. YES, you do.

So this prep requires a bath, to soak and shave. Then it requires a shower to rinse off and wash the hair. Then dry, dry dry. Then deodorant. I don't know what it is but I could botox my underarms and the minute he comes near them for the underarm boob check (NO, my boobs are not in my armpits..you have glands there that need to be felt!!!), I start sweating bullets. This does NOT hurt and it is far less invasive than everything else he is about to do to me, but really I really really react...

Then ya gotta get dressed and this is tricky cause you don't want to get hot or too cold before you go, but you want to wear as little as possible because they are gonna weigh you BEFORE you get naked. Why?

And WHY WHY WHY do they take your blood pressure AFTER they weigh you??? There is not a normal person on the planet that hasn't wondered this (right??). So why don't they re-order those fricken tests. Thankfully, I have always had low blood pressure, cause after that little trip on the scale, I am lucky I didn't have a heart attack. I am not kidding!!!

So he does all the other lovely, dignified parts of the exam and tells me all the little crap that is wrong and all the stupid little tests that he wants to run. And the other tests that I will now need cause I am so old..... ARG! YEAH yeah, ok. I do argue a little. But ultimately I don't care.

I tell him so and then I say, "Look all I want is for you to make me thinner and happier!" (Thinner would make me happier..BTW)

He says in his cute little Dr.-ie way, "I'm not a magician."
Ha Ha funny man.

I want what I want. And I am gonna get it. Gloves off....I start whining. (He asked for it.)

I do leave with all that I want.
But in exchange, I must promise to have all the fun filled test that he wants, including ONE that will surely rip away any last piece of dignity that I might have left.

Being a woman is so hard. Seriously, isn't creating and giving birth enough? Then you sustain life while your boobs fall off. Then... Dear God, that is an entirely separate Blog that will NEED to be blogged..But not today.

Whatever I don't care.....

Ahhhhh. I'll keep you posted. Maybe

NOT Ms. Julia

So everyday I give Bio a drinkable yogurt to help her tummy. It does seem to work, but today I had none. So being the conscientious Mommy that I am, I decided to make her a smoothie.

I keep plenty of frozen fruit...like Mangoes and Pineapple. I also freeze my questionable bananas.

So the smoothie consisted of yogurt, frozen mangoes, juice and a frozen 'nanner.

I threw it all into my trusted blender (not really so trusted any more since it is nearly 20 years old). Poured it into the to go cup and decided I should taste it. I rarely taste them since this is a fairly frequent occurrence. I make a mean smoothie... BUT, I did taste it. Holy crap I nearly died. It tasted really hot...which is quite the trick since it is frozen and all fruit.

Crap, I spit it out and then freaked out. I couldn't figure it out. I checked the dates on the yogurt and the juice. All cool. Hmmmm???? It was still a mystery when I threw it down the sink, washed out my mouth a million times. My stomach started burning. What the Hellga???

I then looked in the freezer. How can frozen fruit be bad???? That bad???

I took out the baggie that held the frozen 'nanner and Dear God.....it was a Frozen HOT Italian Sausage!!!!! I fell over laughing while holding back the urge to puke. Am I that stupid? HOLD on...please don't answer that.

OMG.....I am not the best in the kitchen.....but this has got to be the stupidest thing I have ever done.

To add insult to injury (ego and tummy) I made sucko lunches for the kid-lettes.

Then for dinner, since Bio had been gone on a retreat for the weekend, I wanted to make my veggie kid a lovely cheesy, veggie lasagna. Hugely involved. Followed the recipe...that SUCKED too.

I guess it figures that if I make a sausage smoothie, it would be an "at your own risk" kinda day....

But, forget it I am so out of the kitchen forever....

Sorry Hub, but you're up.....

Bye Bye Holidays

The Christmas tree came down and that always fills me with sadness. Not sure why. SO many of my friends take it down as fast as possible and put all the decorations back in the attic. I have one friend who wakes up super early the day after Christmas so she can yank that shit down ASAP.

I wonder what that means??

Does it mean her memories of childhood holidays are unpleasant? Does it mean that she doesn't like the look of the decorations? Does it mean...Yeah I really don't care that much.

I keep that sucker and all the crap that goes along with the season up as long as possible. My tree always becomes a major fire hazard before I take it down. Part of it is I hate putting all the stuff away..(too much like cleaning). But mostly it makes me happy. It is pretty. The lighting is beautiful (ambiance above all else). It reminds of a happy occasion. I just love it. Then it goes and I am sad.

I would normally analyze the crap outta this, but I am not gonna. New leaf.

Christmas means something different to everyone and it changes as you grow.

For the kids, it's presents and family fun and great food. Then you HAVE kids...
For the parents it's watching the kids enjoy the presents, family and good food....and clean up.
For the dogs it's new toys and a yummy treat or two. Well, they are always just dogs...
For Gobble it was.."Oh is Santa the guy in the sky with the moose?" REALLY...so funny, I peed.

I don't know why we can't have it more than once a year. I guess I could since I am the cruise director of this ship...HA, well most of the time.

It is an exhausting and extremely expensive (wow lot of 'E' words), but way way way worth it.

Then it's New Years. Thank God, cause 2010 had to go. What a sucko year. New Years eve can be fun, but I really don't like it. Too much pressure and I hate pressure. This year however was a piece of cake cause I was basically alone with the dogs. Once again, I was reading a scary book about a serial killer that tortures and kills women that are home alone....I DON'T know what is wrong with me. I really don't.

But the boys went to Grandparents house. The Bio went out to party and I stayed home. It was actually ok. I decided that ringing in the new year quietly means that I am gonna have a lovely peaceful year.

RIGHT UNIVERSE??? Cause I am done playing with you!!! So knock it off and tell Publishers Clearing House that I need to win that Million $$$ a year for life.

Thank you...

My Christmas Wish

All I want for Christmas is a magnifying mirror a magnifying mirror a magnifying mirror....

Really that is all I want...
That's all I need.

Well and an eye lift. Yep just a magnifying mirror and an eye lift...THAT's it, that's all I need....

Well and a tummy tuck. Ok, just a magnifying mirror, an eye lift and a tummy tuck...that's it....I am GOOD...REALLY!!

Well, ok and a boob job..So JUST an magnifying mirror, an eye lift, a tummy tuck and a boob job....PERFECT...Thanks...

Oh.....wait....a little lipo too....soooooo....

Oh Crap nevermind!!

Merry Chr...Oppsss Happy Holidays!!!