Step One: Admitting it

You know what they say that the first step is to admit you have the problem. 

Here it is:
I am a Dental Phobic!  In the biggest saddest way.  I am the kind of patient that needs Valium just to go sit in the chair.  And I don't allow any instruments in my mouth without my inspection and approval. I'm not kidding
.
When I need work done I need Valium, Novocain (which is stupid and rarely works on me, much like my epidurals ((That's another Oprah)) and Nitrous.  I know this sounds ridiculous especially to the people who love to go the dentist - like the hub.
I get teary thinking about this, but I must go on if I'm gonna beat this thing.

So I needed some significant work done.  The kind that has to be done in stages, not all at once.  (CRUEL joke on me).
Stage one was awful and not worth going into.  The term bone grafting was used.  ARG!!
Stage two was supposed to take place when Bio was home so she could be with me.  She loves this crap and wanted to watch the "procedure"  Plus with her there the Dr. will crank the Nitrous and leave it cranked cause I have told him Bio would be responsible for my life.  (Maybe a little heavy on the responsibility for a third year nursing student...maybe)

Anyway somehow Stage two never happened when Bio was home.  I think procrastination was in the hood.
But being a big girl and really trying to cure myself I made the appointment.  Asked the hub to take the morning off to take me.  Called the Dr. to confirm the RX's would be called in and took some big girl breaths.

Tuesday morning came.  I took a  Valium (these stupid pills never work either!!).  Went to the office.  The hub came in the room with me.  I told him he just needed to hold my hand until - I'm not a big hand holder - the Novocain shots were administered.  "OK" the hub agrees.

The Dr. and Casey (asst) are moving around the room getting crap ready and I say,
"Wait!!!  Where is the Nitrous?"
Dr. asks,  "Casey can you go get the tank?"
The tank, that beautiful tank comes wheeling into the room and I feel a tiny glimmer of relief.
Then Dr. Evil and Cruel Casey exchange looks.  I think they are looks of concern.  NOT good!
Dr. Evil tells me I can only have Nitrous for the first 20 minutes or so.
WHAT???  WTF???  NO NO NO!!  He knows that the deal was; Nitrous the whole time.  I have spelled this out on numerous occasions.  And I was always crystal clear.
He tells me he can't really work with the nitrous.  BS, he has before and all dentists do.
I am steamed steamed steamed.
Bottom line it turns out the tanks (well the oxygen tank...which I guess you need with the nitrous) weren't full.  They tried to play it off, but I know.
Then they give me the nitrous and it isn't even on.  I KNOW when I am getting nitrous!
I bitch, he cranks.

Then the shots.  I don't really mind this part, but my nerves are shot and the stupid Valium has left my body. So, full body flex for the 20 minutes of shots. 
"All done with shots" the devil says to me
Super, who cares you are gonna kill me soon anyway.
Hub comes back into the doorway... cause, oh yeah he needed the facilities 20 minutes ago. (Curious?) And says to Casey, "Oh did you do my job?"  Yeah the Cruel assistant is holding my hand.  But who cares it doesn't help.  Whatever...hub high tails it to the waiting room.

SOOOO the procedure that requires drilling into my jaw bone continues.  This is not the same little weenie drill they use on a tooth it is like a jackhammer.  Full body flex for - I don't know hours.
Then I need a cute little procedure called a Sinus Lift.  It requires moving the sinus floor (a lovely bone floor) up. I need this in two places.
I know its coming (BECAUSE I have NO Nitrous) and I am trying so so hard to be the big girl.

And then DR. Evil Devil says to Cruel and Unusual Casey.....
"Casey hand me the mallet"
HOLY Hell he said MALLET!!!!!
Moving the sinus up requires a mallet , an actual mallet and many many mallet whacks.  Times 2.

This little episode can NOT be properly described, nor should it.  Like childbirth.  Some pain you should never know until you absolutely must.

Killer Casey said to me "'You will probably have a head ache today"
I look up at her and if I could have stung her with my eyes I would have.  You think??  After that bastard has taken a mallet and slammed my sinus floor up into my brain with a thousand whacks that it might give me a head ache????????

There was more after the sinus fun, but this is all I can take right now.
 
But the kicker is that after it was over and I was coming out of the rest room (three hours, I needed to pee) Dr. Lucifer says to me "I did a good job"  Meaning HIM!!! 
Dear God help me!!
You can well imagine what I said to him!
SOB!!!!
This stupid story is to be continued because there are still more stages of fun to be had.  Yippee.

I do have a bruise on my face. I am sure I could have some fun with that...

But really I don't feel any better after the admission.  Maybe I did wrong.  Thoughts?

Cry Baby!!!

I am not sure what the heck (WTF) is going on, but my eyes keep tearing or maybe sweating (everything else on me sweats these days ARG!).  Ok I know its not sweat but everything and I mean EVERYTHING is making me - at least weep - if not all out bawl.

Those that know me know that I am a pretty big cry baby.  Hallmark commercials... you know the type.  But not only am I crying when watching Undercover Boss but lately its out of control.  Like a new girl in my kickboxing class had a hard time following the moves, it made me TEARY!! And the kicker, (like that's not enough, oh and a pun) I don't know why.  Was I sad for her? Was I mad cause she made me miss a beat or two?  I honestly don't know.  A friend at work was telling me about her daughters bladder infection...cry cry cry.   AND don't even ask me about the woman on the plane who just said her goodbyes to her mother.  (Should not have even said that!!)

This morning while making Adorable's lunch (NOT a word!  I will address this later!), the brown bag made me cry.  It took me a second  but then I got it.  Will this be the last package of brown bags I buy?  I have adjusted to only making one lunch but NO lunches?  I am crying now.

It's as if I can see time flying away.  Just flying!
 
Is it worse because of some unmentionable physical changes happening to me?  Is it just the stage in my life?  Is it that the children that have been my life for so long are leaving me?  Is it a combo?  Just trying to think about these questions is too much.

I can't just keep crying my way through the days.  I can't really negotiate a real estate deal while weeping.  Adorable can't have his mom shedding tears at every drop off  (NOT one syllable!)  And the hub, well never mind!

So last night we had Chinese food and I was hoping my fortune cookie would offer me some insight.  I carefully (and psychically) selected my cookie.  I opened it and the fortune I pulled out was really thick.  I thought this is a sign, I have never had multiple fortunes form one cookie. There were FIVE fortunes. THANK God the answer was on the way!!

They all had the same fortune:

"Struggle (yep Struggle) as hard as you can for whatever you believe in." With stupid smiley faces.

Really ???? 

What do I believe in anyway?
Kleenex maybe?

This used to be...

 the happiest time of the year.  Kids back in school and order restored in the household.
But alas it doesn't feel the same as it has for the last million years.  Actually it has been morphing into other emotions over the past few years.
Bio is off to conquer year three of college and Adorable is tackling year three of high school.
He comes home everyday still and Bio comes home every few months and still considers this her home.  BUT the tides are a changing and I'm not sure I like it.
It's super fab to have grown and nearly grown children.  They offer such great things as people.  Our relationships have developed into beautiful things.  I really really like that.  You know things like reasonable conversations, actually empathy for me at times and true participation in the house and family.  And again BUT, I feel the end is so near and it makes we weepy.
What will happen when they are both gone?  I have work and friends and other interests...BUT what will happen when they don't come home everyday or every few months.  My life for so long has been largely defined by being a mother a nurturer and everything for my babes.  Gladly, always gladly (lie) have I been and done that, BUT what next?
I could try to sabotage Adorable's college path or somehow thwart Bio's future, BUT I can't do that their future happiness matters too much to me.
This change as all change in life will be uncomfortable and burn in me.  And I will have absolutely no choice but to go with it.  I know I will live through it but being older (slightly) one just really knows the truth about what it will take to get through it.  Like labor.  You know after the first time that you will make it out the other side but you also know HOW bad it hurts. 
I can't find anyway to make this feel better right now, so I am gonna go see my MOMMY!!!

ps... Maybe I just saw the light and maybe not!